Kincaid Chronicle

11th April 2006

(Season 14 Game 16)

Match Time: 6:50PM
Opposition: Juicy Ham
Captain: Me.

Is it just me or, do we play Juicy Ham just about every second game?

As I raced across the carpark in an effort to find a spot, I thought to myself, ' I am Da Captain for the Night '.suuuuurely they can't start the game without me.

But, they did. Darn Famulee went ahead and decided to have a bat which was just as well. First goldie for the night, and there was more to come. Shower caps were everywhere. I'm pretty sure that the theme for the night was swim caps but, on a minor technicality, I as captain decided to accept shower caps as a viable alternative.

As always, good auld trusty Forrest was wielding the bat with some D.U.D.e. by the name of 'W' as his sidekick. I will assume that it was Dubyah 'cause that's whom I saw in there with Captain Ballsy, despite what the scoresheet says.even though the scoresheet never ever lies. This pair must have been watching the Bangladeshi play in the second innings of the first test, because they got off to a fantastic start with a massive -2. They recovered brilliantly to finish on 23, their batting scores see-sawing through most of their overs.

In goes Sticksy, and another newie called McKarky. Is that Bukkake's cousin or something? This new pair confronted the opposition and showed them that by scoring 2's all the way, you can get up to a respectable score. They did this for the first two overs turning the strike over like they both wanted to get to their half century at the same time. Alas, Sticksy managed to get caught a couple of times attempting to hit zaks and McKarky joined in the fun in the third over managing to get caught and registering a bonus stumping to be one up on Sticksy. McKarky managed to do this again in the fourth over by getting stumped and being run out twice in consecutive balls one after the other whilst Sticksy managed to crawl over the fence and into a positive 8 with a well deserved zak. -1 to this pair and gold, gold, gold to Australia.

At some point before the second pair had finished, I had been asked to decide who would go in as the next pair, and in my haste to make sure that I could still have a beer, I yelped Knuckles and Herschelle. All good and well until I realised that this would mean that I would be going in last with Mary. So, in a masterful Captain-like move, I recanted and made myself next man in with Knuckles. This was soon known to everyone except for Knuckles whom had wandered off in typical Wanderers fashion and had failed to hear that Herschelle was no longer his partner. First stitch up of the night. Kleenex 1, Knuckles zero. We walked in confidently, knowing that whatever we did, it could not be worse than Sticksy and Bukkake's cousin. However, the opposition had other ideas. I lost the paper, scissor, rock challenge and had to bat first. First ball was wide so, I thought, this is gonna be easy. Next ball was a ripper. Bowled me clean out of the park. The rest was a blur but, I somehow managed to get run out three times whilst only scoring singles and extras. No Captain's knock here, no sir. Knuckles made up for the two of us by scoring the odd side net back net 4 interspersed with ones, twos, extras and finishing off with a zak. Partnership of 13. Lucky for some, not lucky at all for me seeing as I only scored -11.

Enter Herschelle and Mary. We needed a defendable total and these guys just never cease to disappoint. With a zak from Mary in their first over and a whole bunch of singles and a 3, they raced to 14. They did not get much joy out of the next two bowlers managing to scrape 4 and 5 respectively with Mary managing to get run out once and caught twice. Herchelle didn't wanna have anything to do with that sort of mediocre fanciful batting and just carried on scoring more ones with the odd two thrown in for good measure. They both ended with positive scores almost equal with a partnership score of 35. Thus, having deftly doubled our score to a more credible 70, we had something to bowl at.

I commented that this mob would have to be more of a bowling side than a batting one as they had managed to keep most of our big guns quiet.

I decided to rattle them by throwing a combination of pace, spin, fruit and hand grenades in the form of Sticks, Herschelle, Knuckles and Forrest. Sticks, Herschelle and Knuckles caused mayhem by collecting wickets seemingly at will. Sticky's over produced a caught to limit the opposition to only 7 runs, Herschelle's over started with a catch, followed by 3 runs, a stumping and two more runs fizzling out with a couple of wides and two more runs to hand the opposition only 1 run. Knuckles got carted all over the nets including a zak, however he somehow managed to keep this pair to 4 runs with a couple of catches. Forrest tried to maintain the pattern of low scoring interspersed with a few runs. However, he got hit for a few runs including a zak. A run out in the second last ball gave us a chance and this pair's total ended on 22 (-5 for a no-shirt).

Having started reasonably well, I thought we could still give these guys a run for their money. Bukkake's cousin, McKarky, started the new spell with a few nice fizzers along with a couple of wides. He earned a catch off the last ball to keep the new pair to a measly 6 runs. Good start. I followed with an expensive 9, having been hit for a zak and managing a catch. Mary stepped up and having started with a catch and finishing with a runout he kept the opposition to -3. Enter Dubyah. Whack. Two runs. Whack, a zak. Whack, whack, whack. More trouble. I could see that I had been a fool. There was no way that we could hold these guys back. 70 runs just weren't gonna do it. Once again the first three overs delivered few runs but, the fourth over was used for batting practice and Dubyah finished getting carted for 17.

The opposition were on the verge of a massive victory, the Famulee were looking towards me for some leadership. I needed to change my underpants. Wait a minute, in my haste to get to the game on time I had forgotten to check whether I was wearing any. Check. All a-ok. I knew it was time for a bold move. In a moment of inspiration I resolved to go to my go-to man. Herschelle. Tan ta da da !!!. I didn't have to give Herschelle any advice, but if I had I would have said something like: ' Look mate, this is it. Backs to the wall kind of stuff. We need wickets. Nothing else is gonna do it and we need them fast '. Well, the rest is history. Herschelle bamboozled the batsman with his very first delivery. No run. He had no idea, he didn't know what to do. The second ball bowled him clean out of the park. At this point, the batsman's thoughts quickly shifted towards thoughts of wearing pads and a helmet. He attempted the impossible and he tried to escape this truly ferocious onslaught but, he was run out and he had to comeback to keep facing the music. And what a tragic tune it was. Like an old western where the bad guy makes the good guy dance to dodge the bullets, Herschelle abused his position by pelting the batsman with such malice that two dot balls were the result. On the third ball, this poor trembling mess of a batsman was bowled once again and then caught off the very next ball. Oh, the horror. When will this end? With one more ball to come, Herschelle had seen enough and he let the batsman go with a dot ball and a stern warning never to come back to this town again. His batting partner had not been able to face a ball. And how glad he was about that. With the non-facing batsman having collected a -5 for no-shirt, both batsmen had started their innings with negative scores for a total of -25.

The Famulee were back in. This was the stuff of dreams. But, Forrest soon woke me up. He followed Herschelle's spell with a reasonable 14. This gave the opposition a chance to get back on track. Luckily Knuckles had other ideas and he promptly shot them back down with a useful 2, having accomplished a similar feat to Mary by starting with a caught and finishing with a run out...except that he gave away two's instead of one's but, hey, who's complaining? I thought it was time for the captain to have a dabble seeing as this pair were still reeling from the Herschelle wicket-fest. I got hit for a zak on my second last ball but, I had a catch and a run out either side of that so, I had the last laugh with only a 2 against my name. Exit the third pair with a total of -12.

The final pair had it all to do. With a combined total of 40 and a massive 30 more runs to draw the match, they were obviously hoping for bad light or torrential rain.

None eventuated and they had to face another barrage from the Famulee. Sticksy started it off again by bowling with purpose and giving away no runs. Instead he took another 3 from their team total having bowled each batsman once for a combined total of -3. Dubyah did better this time by only giving away 3 runs by method of a zak, a run out and a catch and very little else. So, with two more overs to go, Juicy Ham still needed 30 runs to equal. Bukkake's cousin thought he'd give them a chance by delivering what can only be described as fruit on a platter. He started with a zak and got better from there but, still ended giving away 16 badly needed runs to the opposition. 14 runs to get there. 15 to win it. There was no need to worry. Mary was on song for his second over and followed his -3 with a convincing run out and a stumping to give away only 1 run. Victory to the Famulee. Medicority failed to raise its ugly head. Juicy Ham fell 19 runs short of victory. It would have been 14 but, this pair too had a no-shirt violation and were deducted -5 from their final score.


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