Kincaid Chronicle

Edition 6 - 19/10/1999

(Season 1 Game 7)

Good day sports fans and welcome to the Kincaid Chronicles

Well after last weeks close win and separated testicles from nigh on all our players, Ed - thanks to young Sticksy's idea of imitating WA WA, by pulling the shorts up around the"ging-gang goolie" area, tucking the shirt in and pulling the white sports socks up to about knee level, we really needed an easy win. Avant Garde proved to be worthy of a complete schalaking. Ed - personally, my voice box couldn't take any more of being choked up with a ball bag around my throat.

So, the scene was set, the SCG was the place. At precisely 8 minutes past 8 we arrived with most of the team, all bar Sticks who was off playing touchy feely with his Tugger mates. Ed - hmm, something in that for us all? Sticks arrived looking all puffed out and muddy on his chest. His sexuality had been outrightly questioned and when he complained that his lower (shaggers) back/buttock was sore, enough was said. We vacated the bar area as young Sticks was removing the first layer of clothing, quicker than a alter boy being chased by a randy priest. Ed - how does a nun have sex...........she dresses up as an alter boy.

El capitano lost the toss and it was decided that we'd have a bowl. The opposition tallied a pretty good 39 with a dead eye dick hitting about 25 of those in the first over. The cover was retrieved from Hindmarsh Drive and continued the rest of the four overs, keeping them down with some tight bowling, clever catching (Sticks) and great throwing, namely Muz and Gra Gra hitting middle stump so often it will now need to be retired due to ongoing workplace stress and threats of repeated physical violence. Extra special mention goes to "shaggers" for setting up Inzy in the first over, with what can only be described as a "half tracker-spank me to the boundary" ball that was belted into the net alongside Inzy at very catchable height I might add. On any ground that would've been four. Sticksy was both disappointed (that Inzy didn't get cleaned up) and relieved (that he saved 5 with one of the worst balls he's ever bowled). Inzy, not known for his lightning reflexes, was ducking as the second ball was released "just in case". Inzy was to get his own back by bowling half trackers with "cement boots" Sticks up close on the leg side later on in the night (with Sticksy managing to duck and weave, Floyd Patterson'esque, only to catch the ball as it was about to whiz by his nose).

After 4 overs our collective shit was gotten and we kicked arse, although, el capitano was happy getting out of the first 4 with only 39. The following four committed suicide Kamikaze style, running themselves in so many circles on some occasions we had to hit both sets of stumps and still didn't know whether they were out or not. The suicide continued until the final ball, with partnerships that resulted in 12 overs, no maiden, plenty of wickets for -2. Net total, team score of 37. Sppppeeeeecccc ial mention to Gra Gra who saved about 60 runs in the field. Inzy is no doubt releived that shit does get wickets as his figures were testamount to that, caught, caught, caught, run out. By the way, the phrase "bowling to your field" doesn't rub with me Inzy.

Muz "I can't tell what my feet are doing, I'm having enough trouble just standing up at the moment" managed to throw the ball with as much "fizz" as anyone I've seen practically breaking my hand in the process, Schlanga was almost impassable in the field, except for the ones he missed, WA WA bowled with loop and flight, deceiving the batsman with pure unadulterated boredom, Jase kept exceptionally well and will be hard up when young JB gets back (if he gets back from BALI). There will be a tough selection process required when JB returns from his junket with Muz pushing for a place behind the stumps too.

With WA WA and Jase, the best on pitch marriage since Tony Greig and that asian "mail order bride" chick, things were looking grim for the skin. Jase's running between the wickets can only be described as ordinary, as on several times the goose step was used to great effect. Loved the WA WA's look over the shoulder as he toddled down the pitch, thinking he had plenty of time. He looked back to see that he was about a foot out, with the ball being badly fumbled, Bob Willis style behind the stumps. Thanks to Alan Mullaly for filling in for the opposition Ed - remember the Waugh run out in Perth? at short notice.

They managed a credible 13. The first skin was lost but fear not, I thought it may not be the last. Willow wielding Muz, who manages to not bother hitting anything directed in his general vacinity and wooden leg'd Schlang batted with absolutely no decorum for 18 with Muz AND Schlang coming through with a net result of zero.

Thirdly, Sticksy and Inzy, the two mobile big men of the team, combined to move the score ever so slowly to 78 with Sticks hitting a zak off the last ball. Inzy commented that every time he and Sticks have batted together they've managed a lazy "30 or 40 odd" but I know that Inzy only wants to bat with someone who finds him sexually liberating. Sticksy look out.

Despite his best attempts Gra Gra couldn't run me out. Only because the guy fielding just outside the 30cm circle had a bigger wind up than Graham Lloyd pitching for the Yankees. I managed to run myself out while Gra Gra batted through, undefeated, bat raised high in the sky, chest puffed out, proud as punch as I stumbled and threw my ragged old tired body around the court being stranded at one end due to a terrible "yes no" call and finally was run out for 38.

Final score, us 153, them 37. A more than convincing win to the boys from Partridge. Next week shall be fun with the footy socks and footy shorts adorning the court. Look out boys, I'm looking for hats, ties and anything else we can manage to wear to make us look even more stupid. I've stopped looking for WA WA. Oh, also, Sticksy, when I say you are to wear the footy shorts and footy socks, make sure you don't stuff the footy socks down the front of your footy shorts, as per your "on the prowl" look down Bobby's way.

Stay tuned for another edition next week.

Reuben

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