Please Note: This version of the Partridge Famulee Chronicles is rated "M" for mature audiences.
It contains sexual references and obscene language that may offend some viewers.
"Ahhh, yes, that was fucking sensational ..we won, how the bloody hell did we win that one .well fuck me dead. Well, OK, fuck me senseless. He's a legend .no longer will he be left out of the side .. well fuck me dead! Get him up here, we wanna boof him". (No comment was made in relation to getting Boof up here to Boof thankfully) when questioned after the game, quoth Bill Lawry off air after the game.
Anyway, after the Aussies assault on the Kiwis, finally winning a bloody game, albeit the very, very, very, very hardway, via a Michael Bevan century that the Woden Wanderers captain David "Bowie" Bowman would be suitably proud. Anyway, Pete, how's those "cheap wines'" going?
Anyway, the Partridge mob were absconded for a game against the WDCD. One bloke happening to arrive fully equiped in Fletcher Jones (or is that Felcher Jones?) slacks, occasional shirt and Julius Marlows (that's shoes for the unaccustomed). He did look dapper indeed as is fellow battees struggled early on a pitch that I thought did look good for the early batting combo.
Skip, the newly appointed skipper of HMAS Destroyer Partridge, did decide by default to field, having been out there when umpire "Sorey I. Wasn't-watchin" strode to the dizzy heights of his chair.
Skip appointed Schlang official opening bowler and it was with much a tweakin', grabbing, fondling, adjusting and a fumblin' that Schlang took out his box to start proceedings from the "Dr. Un Ken" end. His over set up proceedings by taking a valuable early wicket. Wisam (pardon? Should that be Wasim, or whatthefuckishedoingoutherethefarkinggoose?) was caught on the fifth ball of the over, causing what can only be described as a collapse of the likes never seen in this magnificent stadium. WDCD (Woomera Detention Centre Detainees) out on day release after having their lips unstitched, lashed out early by having a positive 3 after 4 of the noooooooodest leg spin deliveries by Schlang that one would ever wish to see, except for the arm ball which hit a crack in the pitch and moved quasimetres. It moved so far that Wa Wa was moved to attempt to scratch is groin with Gadj's good hand. Anyway, this alas was the highest score that would be obtained by the Detainees all night as they struggled to minus farking something after 4 overs.
The next four overs set the scene, with minus overs from Forest (-5), Herc (-11 now that shows they definitely can't bat!), Schlang (-8) and Sticks (zero - "well fucken hell mate, I can't be everywhere!") leading up the charge. One felt from the sidelines that this was the turning point of the game. And indeed it was. For at that point, Kat turned to Gadj and stated in point "you know when I said about not staying upstairs to watch the cricket cos it was boring - well, I was wrong". The turning point indeed.
Gadj, slashing outside off and leg stump, decided to recall to the pavillion, having despenced of the now useless Wa Wa (hmmm, since when was he useful ones asks?) since attempting suicide by slashing his thumb (god, he's got no idea has he). Even after offers of "no, no, if you're gonna top yourself, this is how to do it properly" lessons, Wa Wa decided to "one handedly" drive the XE ("it can drive itself you know") home back to Ooonawoopwoop or wherever the bedevilled one handed one lives, semi sober.
Oh, crap, damn it, there was a game on .
So far, we went through Wisam, Conan (pardon me - he look nothing like the "real deal"), John and Sam (obviously used to dodge immigration purposes - real names Jamil and Salim). Now it was Hajid, the adeptly aforementioned Yves Saint Lauren reject stode to the crease like it was a runway adorned by Kate Moss and the like. His partner was "Yoshi". Yoshi, the first Asian cricketer to make this grade since Richard Chee Quee, looked all at sea against the crap bowling. Needless to say, Hajid might have stained his duds, thereby needing a "drycleaningday off", after facing the wrath of Boof (-5), Big Al (-3), Skip (7 - no thanks to his fielders who'd obviously decided to sabotage his figures) and Forest (1). All bowlers, to their credit, bowled within themselves, with Mushtaq Gupta fielding at Deep mid fine square leg (ie, at the bar) ringing the world bookkeepers with inside info on how to battle the might of the Famullee. Needless to say the ploy of bowling like crap and getting wickets was paying fruitfully for the Skipper.
The last four, bowled to Sunil (gee hasn't Gavaskar changed a bit since he was batting with Rubbish Binny and the like) and Avi (who obviously got a shortened nickname by having the "arvi off" from work) worked a treat, Boof (6), Hersch (13), Sticks (1) and Big Al (-10) proving the worth of the Famullee. A minus tally for the first time* in the history of the Famullee.
*I've got no fucking idea, so I'll put this in and it can be proven later by the statisticians, also allowing me to be able to say shit when I don't really know what I'm on about and escaping fines and the like.
Obviously, there were many highlights, those being in no particular order, Herc "deliberately" missing a run out to save face. (Matey, they were over 200 away from winning or causing us grief, just run them out and save face). Hersch whislt keeping trying to field everywhere and missing an easy caught behind. Forest and Sticks farking up at a run out attempt. When questioned as to who the "Laurel and Hardy" effort was caused by, a synchronised "his fault" and finger point was seen, thereby heralding and unanimous "dud" call from outside the net.
Stickseses effort of spinning around, looking at the bowlers end and realising that Al was in the way, then spinning around and running out the non striker "O. Am I. Supposedtorun" at the keepers end with a direct hit was an odd highlight.
To bat, to bat. We heralded the oncoming of Boof ("gee doesn't he look like the great Sth Australian" - one mused) of Clint ("gee doesn't he look like he's not got a clue" - mused another). They made a very very solid something-or-other (64 actually), with Mr Gibbs offerring 23 and Mr Lehmann offering 41. What a great opening stand they are, Gibbs and Lehmann. Kenya, coaches for the world cup, please take note.
Sticks, offering such treats as "Pearl Harbours" at his cocktail party (what, you meant Pearl necklaces? Oh, gee I'm glad I left early then ) and Forest spanked their way to a partnership of 75* which is in no doubt the most of any of the partnerships of the Famulee members. Sticks scoring 52, hitting a "9" on the way. PS. Is that counted as a zac?
* yeh yeh, again, I've got no fucken idea, but it looks and sounds good.
Skip and Herc advanced to the wicket and with 139 on the board after 8, things were looking shaky to say the least. There were tremours in the upstairs area also known as the bar as we did think at several stages that we might lose this game. Hence, some solid but somewhat unconvincing batting by the senior pairing managed 36 with Messr Gavaskar contributing 1 to the partnership thanks to some magnificent running by Herc and the bloke on the next court. Skip didn't bother.
Al, looking to keep his bruises on ice, decided to test the field and managed just 11 of 48. Schlang on the other hand kept his "one day form" for the indoor version and spanked 37, again outscouring the big fella* in what has become a tradition in this version of the game.
*You're getting the drift now aren't you?
All and sundry, us 223, by far our highest score, them -31. Boring as watching a seminar by Wa Wa about the benefits of rehab case management.
Comment of the night - "did you hear the comment of No Looks' the other night, he said the Partridge shirts "smell of men"". Unknown author.
An inquiry will be held into what the hell this actually means during the week.