Kincaid Chronicle

The end for Season 15

(Season 15 Game 31)

It was with great pleasure that I walked into the house of BF, proclaimed
myself captain and watched the other captain lose the toss. I had no
hesitation in asking them to field, while picking out which ball we'd use
for our onslaught later on.

Herschelle and Dubbya were looking fit and so I put them in first, and the
boys got off to a steady start, putting 35 or so on for the first four
overs. I'm flying a bit blind here not having a scorecard to work from,
but all I can remember about the beginning of the match was the extremely
hetero hat being worn by the Warney lookalike at the back stumps for the

I believe that the other side kept us in the match for the whole innings
by fielding atrociously, and this was evident in the first four overs.

After the boys had laid a solid foundation for us I then sent in Forrest
and Bush aka Nutbush aka Forrest's Mum's Grandson aka Seven aka Back Net
aka Merkin. After a shaky start and some absolyutely textbook swaying
from Moore Comma Senior Fullstop we were still rolling along, although I
can't recall exactly how many we had. The score for the pair may have
been in the teens, and there may or may not have been fines to be paid.

Bevo then spoke, automatically selecting him as next in to bat, and I had
no hesitation in asking my able assistant Mary who he should bat with.
Knuckles was the Chickeny Ducky Thing duly selected and that pair
proceeded to show glimpses of batting ability, or it could have just been
luck that they were swinging their bats through the correct arc to make
contact with the ball. Noo Clays did swing with great gusto and smaaashed
a couple straight to the back net, not passing go and not getting a finger
laid on them by Warney, and at the end of four overs Noo Clays had amassed
a magnificent fifty, right on the nose. It didn't look that good on his
nose so we decided to just leave it on the scoresheet (which never lies).

Mary and yours truly were last men* in, and although we wanted to get
amongst it in the zak frenzy Noo Clays had whipped up we just never seemed
to manage to hit our peak. Mary did steal a beautiful second at one
stage, almost being able to whisper 'Yes' in my ear he had backed up that
far. That and he almost took my pharken head off with a glorious cover
drive for two at one stage. He also had a go at brutalising the umpire
with a crafty top edge that went through the netball post hole and almost
clocked said umpire right in the melon while I had a catch dropped off a
hit of mine which included about six grabs at the ball and a sensational

So we had a hundred and fourty something on the board, and there were many
calls of suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurely, particularly from Noo Clays, or as I like
to call him Noo Clays.

Having picked out my ball earlier in the night I proceeded to open the
batting with something which could loosely be called swing bowling. A
couple of wayward deliveries were evident as I got used to the swing
factor, but it didn't go too badly. Forrest also bowled (I think next)
and my sources say that he actually landed one of his eight balls on the
pitch. Most of you would know that I never look at what's going on in our
net while I'm keeping, so I had someone who was watching write most of
this fielding report for me. Bush then stepped up, and stepped over on
his first ball, he was very keen to get amongst it and got at least one
wicket, I heard the rattle of the stumps and when I opened my eyes they
were swinging all over the place so I can only guess the ball must have
hit them.

Keeping is a fine art when you don't look, most of the time I rely on
touch and memory to amaze Noo Clays (aka Noo Clays) by swinging my hands
towards where I remember the stumps to be when I feel the ball hit the
glove. Usually this can be done with at least one foot on the ground but
apparently on Toosday (or as I like to call it Toosday) I was doing the
stumping action in mid air. This just goes to show you that my Body By
Jake Abba Dabba Machine must be doing its thing. I still need more work
on the Buttissimo though, I'm finding it hard to fit into my underpants
these days so have taken to not wearing any.

Mary bowled two overs of absolute rubbish in there st some stage, and
Hersch bowled without luck, particularly because the batsmen had taken to
stealing seconds by this stage (no, not sloppy ones) and as previously
mentioned I wasn't watching so wasn't much help at the striker's end when
the ball came rocketing from the other end of the court to attempt a run

Who else was playing? Dubbya, ahh yes the mighty Dubbyaaaaaaaaaa. He
again was in Dubbyaaaaaing form, with a couple of glorious run outs and
one magnificent catch off the side net from the death seat. Although it
might have been the front of the off side court, or the reverse death seat
as it's known these days, in any case it was a pure reflex action and
would have been beautiful to watch if indeed I had been watching.

Did Bevo bowl? I must have picked him to bowl two overs, but as I said
before I wasn't watching most of the time, so let's just say he did really
well and maybe even took a wicket, but I bet there wasn't a stumping or a
caught behind to be had. Actually I do remember one caught behind, there
was a big edge I heard and when I turned around to banter with the umpire
there was the ball bouncing off the front net so i nabbed it for one of
our many wickets. That could have even been off Bevo's bowling?

On a serious note (from Forrest's mum asking that he be excused from
school due to his syphilis sores weeping again) I'd like to thank all
seven other players for putting in on Toosday night. It was good to see
us all pumped up and looking for a win, there was encouragement and
support and even some skill on show, which really does prove that when we
have a good night we can beat just about any team that gets put in front
of us. Top work blokes, it made Toosday night good for me.

I guess it helped that we didn't have duds like Sticks and Skip selected,
those guys always seem to bring the team down when they turn up :o).

Bukkake - Your Captain For The Night and Scab Scraper To The Stars

*I am basing the call of 'men' purely on the rumour that we both have male

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