I?m sitting there watching the news brief at 5.30 and what do I hear :
?On Win Local News tonight at 6 o?clock, Tony Blardyfarken makes himself look like a cloth eared bint by ordering the Famulee to front on a Monday night, and the Famulee slam Weston ICA and claim management is a loosely termed word for what has become a farce. And in sport, Partridge Famulee humiliate Australia A in their one day match at Weston and flexing some muscle in the process. And with the weather, here's Tony Lynas.....?. ?Yes thanks Peter, well the weather is looking very gloomy for teams in the
Partridge Famulee?s grade, after a bleak week, it?ll be all sunshine and rainbows next week?.
What was I hearing??
Dateline : Tuesday 31 October 2000
Coincidentally, it was Halloween, and Tony put on his scary mask??..(what, he wasn?t wearing a mask? Oh, OK), in that case, Tony was being his usual bloody stupid self by trying to lay blame for the Monday afternoon debacle in which he tried to change our Tuesday night game to a Monday night. ?Sticks, c?mere, how those skins goin mate??. Sticks, true to form did the ?argghh? call whilst holding one hand upward in Kramer style. ?BlardyFarken!? was all Sticks could respond with.
After Con spent the entire week tickling and playing around with email and causing the board of selectors a logistical nightmare by having 6 different versions of the same e mail, some coming through hours later than others, racing round the system, Inzy was a casualty of the situation, brought in at last minute to replace Jase, then later disposed of like a hayfever sufferer?s tissue. Poor Inzy, who at the time was elated at not being called up was later fined for not providing his shirt ? ohhh.
Anyway, the game got underway at 9.10, Perth time. Gadj won the toss and elected to drink beer (no surprise there).
No look gathered his sporting ability (which didn?t take long) and joined Gadj at the crease. It was soon known that No Look was under strict team rules to further ruin Gadj?s already falling batting average. Gadj?s average, once mightier than even the Don, had fallen even quicker than Milli Vanilli out the pop charts when the were found out to be frauds.
1. The tickle and run by No Look which left Gadj stranded. Many a cheer was heard throughout the complex as No look charged down the track after hearing the death rattle at the other end.
2. Both batsman standing at the same end, not daring to leave their crease while the opposition fumbled the ball like circus clowns. No look seeing the opportunity for a quickie, bolted and easily made his gruond as the ball rolled safely into the side net.
No look and Gadj made a well rounded fifty-godknowshow runs.
Next up was WAWA and Sticks. Sticks was trying to evade the dreaded no wicket curse and therefore needed to get out ot avoid suspension. This was to be a tougher ask than expected for the young warrior. It did however make for some enlightening cricket and one that this team manager will never forget.
The Aussie team in the field, seen after the game with radio transmitters in their ears were later found named in the Gupta enquiry on match fixing. It had been alleged that they?d been paid three toffee apples, two sherbet bombs, a wizz fizz, two curly wurly?s and a half eaten white knight to not get Sticks out. But for a slight of hand from Sticks he?d be sitting out the first final. Bugger.
The comedy of errors began when Sticks, realising early that they weren?t going to get him out easily, took matters into his own hands by hitting dollies which they duly avoided. Soon after the game they told us that Gupta had said they?d catch ?girl germs? by touching the ball so they didn?t.
One dolly of note comes to this managers mind. Sticks angled the bat skyward as only Inzy has right to do, spooning a catch that even they should've been able to catch. As the ball ballooned toward the side and top net, the fielder took cover running away from the ball helplessly as if screaming ?the sky is falling?. Sticks by this time, was strolling, realising even the dollies couldn?t be caught. The ball bounced and our fearless organiser extraordinairre took the unusual steps of almost stopping mid pitch and watching as the ball bounced up to the fielder. Our fielder grabbed it and casually as you like, returned the ball to the receiver over the top of the stumps. The guy grabbed the ball then eyeballed Sticks from 5 metres away as Mike Tyson has made commonplace. Sticks, by this time was still well short of his ground and shuffling slower than Cliff Young. The fielder obviously thinking ?yum, wizz fizz? flicked the ball to the bowler who walked to the top of his mark. Sticks, STILL SHORT of his ground held his hands in the air looking for assistance from the great man himself ? but alas Booonie was no where to be seen.
With that the crowd erupted, Sticks looked at us, but we couldn?t see him for tears. The entire team was laughing, the umpire, Tony the Dork was laughing, the bar flies were laughing, even the guy with the mask upstairs was laughing, but Sticks wasn?t. It was so easy to see that the Gupta lead Aussies in the field couldn?t even catch HIV in Bangkok.
Sticks realisation that he couldn?t even buy his own wicket turned to desparation and he resorted to the tried and trusted rule of ?if you can?t get them to get you out, you gotta get out yourself.? And second last ball of their dig, he did what will go down in cricketing folklore. Sticks wandered down the pitch taking in all the scenery and having a huge swipe at the ball as it sails past his bat about head high on Al. The keeper takes the ball the way Mark Bosnich would be proud of and breaks the bails, Sticks well short. ?Wide? calls the bespectacled knob behind the court. ?Ya farken what?? was the general reply from the opposition and us. The umpire seemed to get himself in and out of a wet paper bag, yet didn?t make one iota of sense in doing so and therefore the opposition gave up their appeal on the grounds it was ?time wasting?. Basically cos the wicky had taken the ball in front of the stumps, it was a wide and he couldn?t get out. This left myself Reuben Kincaid, dumbfounded and so I went in search of a rulebook. Surely he must be out. Even Sticks shrugged his shoulders. ?Have I been blessed with the luck of John Holmes?? he quizzed himself.
Last ball and Sticks had to pull something out of the hat, leaving no doubt over his ?outness?. He made up for it by even leaving the umpire gobsmacked. The ball is delivered by Fruit Chucker no. 8, Sticks grabbed the ball in front of middle stump, steps outside his crease then smacks the ball into the stumps. Then just to make sure, he appeals for his own wicket?!??! The umpire faced with not only just cause to give him out, but eject him as well, raised his finger skyward as the opposition and Gupta went running to the bookmakers.
The Garibaldi twins, Action Man Bradley and Skip Dunn went in third with absolutely no hope of upstaging Sticks? effort. Action Man went down swinging. Hitting zaks and following them up with wickets, the scorecard was clicking over at a furious rate. Skip, holding down one end, accidentally prodded one into the bowlers? half and will be duly reprimanded for lashing out.
Al, the odds on fave for the houndstooth, and Schlang batted last. They made 76 with Al making at last 45 of those. Al, looking elegant in wig belted the cover off everything and the field looked like a war zone as missles went everywhere. Schlang fronted up hitting a couple of zaks and Al a good half dozen. Al unfortunately for the history makers was run out off the last ball by a ?briyyiant? straight drive from Schlang who stayed put and reduced the score to a measly 199 off 16 overs.
The fielding was a joke with more scenes of Sydney Harbor bridges than the Olympics. Schlang?s ?I can?t bend below my knee? effort in the last few overs was a highlight and duly deserves the wig.
Others to be bestowed with such an honour were Al, Gadj, and Sticks. Gadj?s evasion of a ball coming straight to him would?ve been ok except that not only did he manage to just get out the way and let it go for 6, he misjudged it enough that he had to fall over to miss it. Sticks run out effort was a summation of his day, he tried to do everything right, it just didn?t work and Al took the honours from the previous week, just giving us that glimpse of shotputting heaven we so long for week in week out.
Fielding honours go to DB. The mighty man in the corner, holding down Herschelle?s position in his absence, fielded magnificently. Anything going skyward was treated with contempt and when his teammates thought he was out of position he?d throw out one hand and snaffle a bewdy. Herschelle come back, we can?t stand him showing off any more!
Up to the bar for an hour long joke from Bawdy and some classic one liners from Al. The man who looked like the Eric Stoltz from the movie Mask (with Cher) scared everyone in our team ? and he thought our shirts were scary. Hey it was Halloween after all.
All in all, a good win, a good night and leading into the finals another morale sapping loss for the opposition. We know we wont go far in the finals but we?ll have a good time getting there.