For those new to this process, read the document as per normal. The reason this Kincaid Chronicles exists is because of our "phantom" game from Tuesday 7 November 2000
It was just another Tuesday night and the team comprising of Inzy, Schlang,...Gadj/DB/Skip...., ....Herschelle/Holzy/Big Al...., Herc, Mojo, Sticks, No Look took exception to......Tony Blardyfarken/having to play on Melb Cup day/the smell that eminated from Sticks' arse. Anyway, we were asked to play on Melbourne cup day, something that No Look thought was .....a great idea/a waste of time/just another reason to take the piss out of someone else. No Look our ....captain for this evening/clown wig wearer/flag bearer....decided to toss the coin and won, advising everyone that we would .....bat/bowl/go home. We headed .....to the field/to the bar/to the carpark......but whilst doing so, Inzy decided to go and ....have a bat/have a nap/have a Tom Hank.... which Schlang and batting partner Mojo took exception to for obvious reasons.
Out for this game was Wa Wa who had ....snapped a finger nail picking his nose/wrenched a knee in a terrible teddy bear wrestling incident/a runny bottom. His phone call to Sticks advising of his withdrawl was ....laughed at accordingly/taken with a grain of salt/published on the bulletin board. Wa Wa, not impressed by this....phoned management and complained/told everyone to get fu**ed/threw a hissy fit as per normal.
Wa Wa during the week finally .....decided to retire/admit he was gay/deny that he and the umpire from last week were involved in a heated love tryst.
Kathryn had stepped in to fill the void until she ....was told by Al that she'd have to wear the swimming cap again/was advised that she'd have to nude up/injured another toe.
Mojo and Schlang made...45/10/a mockery of themselves.... by batting ....well/badly/normally. They left .....the court/the arena/a rather nasty brown stain behind on the batting crease.....which prompted the opposition to ....applaud/complain to the umpire/fall over in the brown patch and soil their undies. The umpire ....congratulated Mojo on his brown streak/cajoled Schlang on his lack of underwear/farted. Highlights included Mojo ....hitting the ball toward the back net and being spooned over the top for 6/being run out three times without Schlang leaving his ground/being dacked whilst facing up by the wicketkeeper. All in all it.....was a great effort/was a poor effort/left a rather nasty taste in the oppositions mouths.
Gadj/DB/Skip.... was up next with batting co-hort ...Herschelle/Holzy/Big Al. Herschelle/Holzy/Big Al belted the ......bowling to all parts/cover off the ball/living bejeezus out of the umpire upstairs after the game......and made ....27/3/-17.... personally. Gadj/DB/Skip... continued to .....make an assault on the Houndstooth/get out/make the arena stink.... which caused .....an uproar/an injunction into proceedings/an evacuation. The partnership gathered......not a great bloody deal/not enough to warrant mentioning/22 valuable runs. The team sitting on the sidelines, were by this time......ready to declare and send the opposition in/ready to invade the pitch due to unmentionable umpiring decisions/pissed and horny.
Herc at this stage had....had enough/had 4 beers/gone home due to boredom and went outside for a cancer stick, whilst Inzy and Sticks took to centre stage to try and get the inning back on track. Inzy faced up to ......the first delivery/the entire first over/a barrage of abuse from Matthew sitting in the crowd. Inzy got....clean bowled/caught behind/one in the clackers for his trouble. Gadj/DB/Skip commented on......the nice piece of skirt parading around the arena/how depressingly boring the game actually was/how navel fluff became blue... which lead No Look to ......try and refocus their attention on the game/applaud and sledge the umpire/break wind and scatter the audience. Our third batting combo of Sticks and Inzy.... failed to entertain the maddening crowd/made 28 inglorious runs/threw up after smelling the aroma around the brown stain.
Only No Look and Herc were left. They went in with ...155 on the board/77 on the board/their undies on their heads.... and left with 199 on the board/55 on the board/wishing they'd washed their undies before putting them on their heads. The major highlight here was the .....running between wickets/the calling/the fact that the two fit blokes actually made it up and back in 4 overs. The Famulee congratulated their themselves on a stirling batting performance but knew that ......it was still possible to lose/they'd have to beat this team in the finals/they'd have some serious mopping up to do after the game.
Inzy chimed in with an impromptu....story about a blonde chick with bad breath/story about some chick he had a rendezvous with/vomit. This caused Bec to ....get disturbed that no one was interupting him/get annoyed because guys brag about this stuff all the time/slip and fall in the spew patch. Herc.....laughed till he cried/laughed and brought up a lung/had to go outside to compose himself.
"No time for that Herca, we've gotta field son" and with that No Look took ....the field/the gloves/a long hard look at himself.... and proceeded to advise Sticks to bowl the first over. Sticks bowled ....really well/really poorly/fruit as per usual.... and got ....carted/two wickets/thumped all over the park... with a dollar fine going to Herschelle/Holzy/Big Al .... for dropping a dolly. Inzy who was .....without shirt/without clue/without hope.... received a dollar fine also simply because Wa Wa wasn't playing and we needed the money. The kitty was .....bursting at the seems with dollars/needing some TLC/suffering from distemper.... and therefore was kept safely in Sticks' kit bag. No Look, after seeing Sticks' over, frog marched Sticks to the "death" on the leg side and rightly Sticks was concerned fielding in close off Schlang's over because ..... Schlang bowled half track fruit/No Look asked the batsman to aim at him/he'd forgotten his cod piece again. Schlang's over conceeded 21 runs meaning that he needed ....positive 6 off his next over/negative 33 off his next over/a bloody miracle off his next over.... to gain a houndstooth point. A couple of run outs off the next over from Gadj/DB/Skip ensured that ....the game was safe/the houndstooth was all wrapped up/the bowling figures wouldn't truly reflect what crap was being served up.
No Look took matters into his own hands and ......went home/bowled 4 wides/directed Inzy to bowl. Inzy toddled up to the crease and ....fizzed/spun/bowled 8 dipping noodies.... to give the batter ....a sighter/a scare/no bloody chance at all. The batting pair left the arena with 17 runs to their name. No Look gathered the troops around and gave them .....a good brushing down/a tongue lashing/the biggest sloppiest kiss they'd ever received. "I've been wanting to do that for a long time, some of you blokes needed it" was his response. Herschelle, wiping his ....face/eyeball/bum cheek....was totally disgusted by No Looks behaviour.
The second and third batting pairs resulted in only 10 runs and no dollies such was the intensity that No Look's address after 4 overs prompted. Only Inzy, Schlang, Sticks and Mojo had overs to bowl and after one of Inzy's ......half trackers/donkey drops/caught and bowled efforts....the ask had been upped to 24 per over. The Famulee looked .....safe/concerned/knackered.... as the result looked .....in jeopardy/beyond doubt/still dubious. The umpy asked us to hurry up because ....his missus had cooked tea and it was waiting at home for him/his beer was getting warm/he was on a promise....so we continued our go slow tactics.
It was now .....8.15/9.40/6.55.... and the scheduled game after us was late. Choppa, seeing this ordered us to ....piss off upstairs/piss off upstairs/piss off upstairs.....so we did. It was a walk off. The umpire ordered us to finish the game and all hell broke loose. Mojo ......snotted the umpire/ripped his shirt in Andrew Ilie fashion/dropped a four letter clanger and earned a free gold coin for the kitty. The result was the game was .....called off due to lack of interest/forfeited by us/realised as a non event and both teams were awarded four points. Up to the bar and ....Bawdy told another 4 minute joke that took 33 minutes/John told us that he picked the winner of the Melb Cup/Al told two jokes that combined were shorter than Bawdy's first line of hers. Several .....beers were had/faux pau's were done/sexual preferences were admitted by No Look....which surprised no one, except .....Tony/John/Bawdy.... who had a crush on him anyway.
The game was finally finished and our spot in the four was cemented for next week's dash at the elusive trophy, a chance to again .....make the GF/lose in only circumstances that we can/make complete geese of ourselves in public.... but nevertheless enjoy ourselves whilst we do it.
Enjoy and until next week ......stay well/get pissy/throw the leg over at every chance.