Kincaid Chronicle

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(Season 3 Game 18)

26/10/00 - Partridgees and wannabe Partridgees

With an unheard of Sunday game taking full centre stage (our first of 17 catch up or repicharge games), the whereabouts of players would need to be tracked via satellite navigation. Especially with our history of anything organised for a weekend being a prime motive for Partridgees going walkabouts (meaning that they were on the turps!).

Sticks decided earlier in the week, when advised by ICA that we had a weekend match, to organise a BBQ.

The lads thought that this was a great idea, and the social co-ordinator for the Tuggeranong Cowboys Football Club went about finalising details of such BBQ. It was decided late in the week, due to inclement weather that the BBQ would be held at Gadj/Herschelle's place. The bonus, Sticks thought was that Gadj was only at his place on a part time basis, so there was huge chance that Gadj would be fined for not arriving on time as he had done to the golf tournament a few weeks earlier.

Gadj arrived home about 12.50, a good 30 minutes earlier than expected, for a 1pm start. On arrival he saw a dispondant Partridgee wandering the street, 6 pack in hand. Skip had been wandering around Port Jackson Circuit fading away to the side of a barn for about 30 minutes, just to ensure that he didn't turn up early. What Skip didn't realise was that he'd just walked past Gadj/Herschelle's place and another lap would've meant he too would've been fined for not appearing on time. Also, and worse still, was that because of him wandering around, his beer had gotten warm (is that fineable?).

Gadj mowed the front lawn, chatted with Skip about the weather, Gadj being found out about mentioning someone else's "chesticles" on e mail and the girl in question reading it, then went inside and awaited other members' arrival. They turned up in droves, all except Sticks. Sticks, not only had said that he'd organise the BBQ, he'd organise "A" BBQ, as Herschelle and Gadj didn't have one. Gadj powered up his phone and heard he had 3 messages......the first at 5.36 in the morning set the stage for the rest of the day. "ahh, errr, um, it's 20 to 6 and you might wanna give me a ring in the morning so I don't miss the barbie." as Sticks only can, putting on his soberest pissed voice. The second and third messages were left at 12.57 and 1.13pm and described how late he was going to be.

2.00 rolls around, still no Sticks. No BBQ, nothing. So, it was the griller that got a tremendous work out as Gadj juggled burning sausages and steaks on a griller that could normally feed only two - let alone this ravenous group of men and women, starving for food only minutes before the huge encounter.

Sticks rolls up, looking red faced. The boys had decided that $100 should be a good fine, ranging from reasons of "didn't bring the BBQ" to perverse ones like "how many people are here multiplied by how many pieces of meat remain uncooked" as only they could.

So it was found out that Sticks could organise a quiz nite, red faces nite and the obligitory piss up in a brewery (which he does well), for over 100 people but he couldn't get home at a reasonable hour, nor could he get a cab or DB to drop him around to Philip. Now we know in how much regard he holds the Famulee!

Fines were handed out as follows : $1 for being late to the BBQ, $1 for advising a time of arrival after being late and then still being late to that, $1 for not bringing zinc cream as organised for the theme and $2 just to round it up to the nearest $5.

We finish up looking respendant in Terry Towling hats, due to Gadj plodding the streets of Sydney. Arrival time is shortly after 3pm to which Tony advises us that we're late and that he'd been trying to call. He then berrated us for arriving late to the game, the umpire standing there with coin in the "toss" position.

It's then we find out they've only got three players and we've got eight. Mind you, we're handicapped by the fact that Sticks is still sozzled from 28 hours of binge drinking, and still suffering the full blown effects of I'vejustbrokenupwithmygirlfriendandhadtogooutdrinkingagutsfulofbourbonuntilifalloverorpickuparoot-itis.

The end result is surprisingly, that we bowl first. They advise that they've just had two more players turn up and therefore the game is valid. Bugger.

We kept them down to a very low score after fielding completely arsily.
Highlights were :

* Sticks dropping that dolly then taking the one hander 3 balls later (another $1 there!)
* Schlang dropping those zaks (or assisting them, we're not sure, but at the business end of the season there is extreme doubt!)
* Gadj grassing one after the batter was given out caught (Herschelle eat your heart out)
* Knuckles Bowman being rapped on the knuckles, literally trying to take the ball out of the bolwer's hand. (Comment by Gadj to the batter "you're bat sounds broken". Little did he know, but he'd hit Pete on the hand, resulting in the fleshy thud sound)
* Skip commenting "surely i've already bowled 8" after about 5 balls. (Good to see the fitness work is paying off in the off season mate). Lots of calls of "approximately 5 to come" and the like, being brought back from the days of the master Tony Shelton.
* The appeals for LBW off Herschelle even though they'd had a decent swipe at the ball.
* Sticks appeal for LBW/caught behind/stumped and run out all off the same ball being turned down.
* Knuckles Bowman bamboozling not only the batsman but Herschelle with the gloves on in the uncustomary position of keeper.

After 16 overs, little did we know, but WA WA could be in line for a positive net. All he had to do was make a decent positive - so yep it was gonna be a tough ask!

We went into bat and completed an easy victory, winning by about 90 runs. With partnerships being pretty even. The highlights being :

* Gadj getting out 4 times. Once being clean bowled trying to hit a crowd catch to Schlang yapping at him from the next court.
* Gadj bunting and running, trying to get Skip out unsuccessfully.
* Skip next ball bunting and running, the fielder kicks the ball off the ground straight into middle stump with Gadj well short.
* WaWa running with his hand on his head to stop it falling off. Oh, someone tells me it was to stop his HAT falling off.
* Big Bird not hitting 5 zaks this game - what's his story?

Outcomes of the game :

* WaWa made a positive - oh dear, will we hear the end of it?
* Herschelle being on two strikes for negative net - will he become the first to avoid suspension?
* WaWa getting a houndstooth point. Is the houndstooth forever tarnished that WaWa got a point, I think so! (In much the same way that the Brownlow is tarnished after Dipper and Libber won it).
* Sticks is more of a pisshead than Gadj - but only just.
* Sticks will never entertain the idea of organising a BBQ again.
* The simple word "BBQ" will be written into Partridge folk lore.
* The Chookless Heads (Adelaide version) idea of the footy being brought out to Cricket made it's debut.
* Sticks and Gadj taking those catches above in the highlight reel, ensuring that WaWa got a houndstooth point. Is that a fine?


"Let us never speak of the BBQ again" - Luke Hickey to all and sundry after walking in the door at Gadj/Herschelle's place.


Tuesday's game was just around the corner and Sticks' effort was still being talked about. The Tuesday team was void of WaWa who decided that he couldn't back up after such a sterling performance and dropped himself when confusion reigned between selectors on the final version of 8 warriors to take the court.

Tim "thisgameisforyoungfella's" Willson returned to centre stage as well as Marty "IcancallyouBettybutBettywhenyoucallmeyoucancallmeAl(an Mullaly)" Beggs and David "Stilts" Bradley. Out went Greg "thisgamestooeasy" Stephenson, Peter "I'vebustedmyTomHank'inghand" Bowman, and Stuart "Thommohasenteredthebuilding" Dunn in a sweep out of players.

We batted first in this game after Gadj won the toss of the coin. Choppa chased us up in the bar for the toss of the coin the bastard, and seeing that beers were half drunk, Gadj decided to bat. Alan "Red'sjustfaking" Duffy and Marty "Ihopeyou'retalkingabouthertoeinjury" Beggs had no beer in hand (that's fineable surely?) were sent in to threaten the fielding team into submission. Big Bird sent the first ball of the inning over the site screen again in what has been a continual display of power hitting. He continued to whack and flay the bowling to all parts of the ground, fielders were scurrying to all corners to avoid being in the firing line. Meantime, No look did his own version of flaying the bowling and warbling through for easy singles. The highlight here being the dead straight drive from Al which caught the hand of the bowler, whilst No Look backed up way too far, being instantly run out. 40 were scored.

Scott "I'mtotallyshagged" Amos and Clint "StandupDB-ohdamnyouare" Fritz, housemates by day, instant strangers by night were thrust into the fray and managed 35 in an awesome display of totally inept batting and running between wickets. Highlight of this pair was Inzy's comment shortly before an incident saying "it's dangerous standing there", pointing to the spot where Al had almost hit No look the over before. In another display of how easily cursed this team is, Herschelle belted the ball toward the three net, Gadj intervened by blocking it with his bourbon layered chest and bunting (silent "h") it up in the air for a dolly catch to the close in fielder. An assist went to Gadj in the scorecard, a first for even the Partridge Famulee. A huge roar went up around the building and even Herschelle himself chuckled as Gadj refused to rub the penetratingly sore flesh wound. Choppa had great delight in raising the index finger skyward.

The two slowest oldest fartiest farts in the team, Tim "I'mbattingwithmyGreyNichollsdoublescoopsoupladel" Willson and Peter "foottothepitchoftheball" Bolton got the friendly fire of the opposition, with lollipops being offered more often than a pastor at a catholic boys choir rehearsal. Inzy replied with a couple of "chip'n'charge's" of his own. An offer of a shovel to enable Timbo to get under the ball a little more easily was denied, with allegations Inzy's Grey Nicholls had been hollowed out mid week illegally yet to be founded. Schlang dodged a couple of donkey drops that WaWa is suing over Copyright for and came out with another 40 odd in total. Inzy being the master and dominating this partnership.

Lastly, Luke "IfIhaveanotherweeklikethisagainit'llbemylast" Hickey and David "IwanttodonatemyvitalorgansinordertokeepBarryBarnesalive" Bradley finished up proceedings with Sticks belting the cover off anything and everything, such was the verbal barrage before he went in to bat. When he got in, he did the same, sending many a ball hurtling toward the back net. Braddles made up for the penalty of a mnoshow shirt (thanks to Wa Wa) by playing splendidly and keeping his end up during the four overs. This partnership made another 40 meaning that Gadj and Herschelle had made the lowest total, that of 35 (must be a record!).

Oh, had I mentioned that the team we were playing were in the grade below? Oh, I hadn't, good I wont then.

Taking the field, Schlang took the carryover chump award and was handed the wig. Choppa once again piped up with "you blokes are freaks" comment which for my liking is getting a little bit long in the tooth. Schlang looked interesting with green curly hair, so Gadj sent him on to bowl.

The highlights in no particular order were :

* Al complaining earlier that Red's toe injury was not all what it was made up to be, then hobbling around after "fielding" the ball with his foot twice in a row.
* Al shot putting the ball at the stumps. Wouldn't have even got a medal at the parolympics.
* No Look doing an Alan Mullaly and fielding the ball in front of the stumps in what would've been a direct hit and then dropping the ball - thereby gaining the wig.
* Gadj taking one fired at him that he should've let hit him like it did on Sunday, thereby taking the pace of it and popping up for a dolly!
* Sticks figure eight run out attempt - missing the bails and thereby gaining the wig. It was a magical airswing though Sticks!
* Sticks bowling the ball, No Look bumping the bail forward as the ball sailed over the top, he appealed (for bowled?) and the batter was duly given out. I've never seen anyone appeal for bowled before?
* No Look performing the first Mankad in Famulee colours whilst the batter was on two dots. That's a dollar fine!
* Herschelle wanting DB up the front so Al could field his bowling down the back. DB didn't bring a hector and Gadj wouldn't sacrifice his ghoulies even for the sake of a few runs.
* Al getting the carry over chump award for having the wig for the last four overs - his performance in gaining such wig was his three foot underarm throw that missed the stumps whilst both batters were stranded at mid pitch.
* Al getting his hand caught, mid backswing, in the wig attempting to throwdown the stumps.

Outcomes of the game :

* Herschelle avoided his second suspension - but still has one to serve.
* DB receiving a negative net because of a call of "yours" by both Al and DB, both successfully avoiding a "dolly" catch.
* $1 fine for WaWa for not providing his shirt - even though he was the one who dropped himself.
* $1 fine for Al for bowling three wides.
* $1 fine for No Look for his mankad effort.
* Sticks is still a twit (read on).


"I'm gonna rip into the stupid Yugo prick" Luke Hickey again in a week he'd rather forget.


Luke walked upstairs after the game noting that the Polar Bears had won three less games but won three more skins than us but were 4 points ahead on the ladder. Gadj asked Sticks "how do you know they've won three more skins?". Sticks "I read the scorecard". Gadj proceeded to make up excuses as to perhaps being an early nomination payment that caused the anomoly but he wasn't convinced either so when Luke said that he'd confront Tony with the above comment, he thought he'd better tow along.

Luke took the ladder to Tony - with Schlang, Herschelle and Gadj in tow, pointing out that Polar Bears had 4 wins and we had 7. He then looked at the next column seeing that the PB's had 12 in that column, us 9. He asked Tony "How can a team have three less wins, but three more skins and be four points in front of us?" whilst pointing at that column. Tony looked at me, looked at Schlang, looked at Herschelle, we looked at Luke, totally dumbfounded. Luke was pointing to the title of the column when the penny dropped. He was looking at the LOSSES column. Sticks had inadvertantly - and for god knows what reason - taken the losses column as SKINS and barked at Tony.

A red faced Sticks put the table back in it's holster, saying "AAARRGGHH" in a motion resembling 'talk to the hand' from Seinfeld and left post haste. Gadj, Schlang, Herschelle and Tony didn't say anything for moments afterward, but kept looking at each other in total amazement with furrowed brows.

All in all a clinical display of sending teams scurrying come finals time once again. No doubt we'll fall over quicker than a paralympian in the hundred sprint with a missing prosthesis come grand final time.

Till next week, bi for now.

Reuben Kincaid
Partridge Famulee

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