Upon entering the bar area I found that the goal was off to a flyer with Pabbsy making some sort of accusation in the general direction of Hersch, and despite Mary’s unconvincing Perth accent when replaying the evidence, I felt good that we were a goldy in front before the game had begun.
Given we were playing at the WACA it was time for the away strip (i.e. light blue shirts) to come out for the evening. This was partially to ensure we wouldn’t suffer heatstroke from the black 2 gazillion percent sweat-retaining cotton shirts, and partially because Hersch had forgotten to wash them and grabbed the others in a panic. After resisting the offers of mediocrity enhancing substances from Pepe Le-Tide* upstairs, I decided that Pepe and T-Rex would bat first. This was rudely overruled by the umpire declared we would be fielding first, so Pepe opened the bowling still with various syringes hanging out of his buttocks. Despite his steroid induced rage and pace, Pepe went wicketless in the opening over. Buzz was up next and unleashed with a scintillating over of 2/0, while Schlangadang and T-Rex bowled utter tripe the next two overs to see the first pair register 41.
I decided Pabbsy was the man to unsettle the next pair and was proven right... until he bowled the first ball. An unglorious 24 runs later he was finished, however the goldies had started to mount from the dropped catches around the ground. Hersch battled through a crook back that meant he could only stretch around his own body 15 times and bowled a ripper for 1/4 and i was up next. The only thing i shall mention from this over is the disgraceful dolly of a catch that was dropped by the T-Rex after a dipping, ripping, fizzing delivery ballooned off the edge of the bat and sailed gently into the air towards the side net. Rexy raced towards the ball easily making it to get his gloves on the ball, only to then fling it back over his shoulders – or as close to his shoulders as his tiny forearms will allow. My disgust was not alleviated by another goldy entering da kitty and a wicketless over from me and Mary later and they had notched 58 for the pair.
With an ominous score looming, Schlangy was up next and bowled tidily with 1/6, Pabbsy lured the batsmen in with cunning guile and pace with 2/-1, I got dudded with sweet f/a again (you will hear more on this later) and Buzzy bowled without luck but kept them to only 6 runs. Still the pair had scored 23 runs (probably 23 more than they should have) and it was time for something speeeeshal to be unleashed. Pepe Le-Tide had ingested a mix of herb-like substances in the break and snorted a couple of panadol and fired up with plenty of dots and a couple of wickets with 2/-6, Hersch bowled another banana bending over for 1/2, Mary got a well deserved sweet f/a and the T-Rex bowled the last as they finished up on 137.
Being too lazy and still outraged from being made to field first (not to mention being given run-out last week) it was back to plan A and Rexy and Pepe to open the batting so as they could escape the clutches of the ASADA drug testers who were presumably arriving any minute. My cunning plan worked to perfection as they lashed their way to a performance enhancing schmifty courtesy of the dud-e at the back net stepping out of the way of a T-Rex zak from the last ball which hit the back net at about waist height. One pair down, one skin achieved.
A couple of the fill-ins, Mary and Hersch were up next and 3 zaks (unfortunately not to Hersch’s woodworm) later and it was another 50 partnership, another skin and a tantalisingly close victory target of 28 runs needed for victory. Schlangy and I strode to the pitch, and we had halved the runs needed after the first over. 8 debaculous balls later and we had doubled the runs needed again with some of the arsiest catching ever seen at the House of Farken. Schlangy steadied the ship in the next over with a fine zak and then finally after 3 zakless games, woodworm 1.0 notched its maiden zak. Sure it cost me five wickets chasing it (and about 15 wickets in the previous games), but it got me back to zero for the innings, so i’ll take it every day of the week. We staggered from the pitch with a performance that is almost guaranteed to get us a start in Australia’s middle order in the next test – i.e. six runs to our credit, a grand total of zero of those to my name.
That left my secret weapon to close the game out and out went Pabbsy and the Buzzinator to close proceedings. Pabbsy aka the Weston Wall soaked up the pressure seeing off delivery after delivery with gentle dabbage, while Buzz mixed up some swishes with some lusty swinging and with two overs remaining, we needed five runs to win. Surely, SURELY they couldn’t lose it from here were the calls... luckily they were surelying the fielding team and the dynamic duo despatched the next two overs for 23 for a glorious victory.
And so it was that the team came from the field to much elation, except for the cries of TCIF from me and Schlangy. The smirks were slightly reduced when i declared the Captains fine as anyone who had not gotten me a wicket from my bowling, and given i had gotten sweet f/a, it ensured a lucrative finish for da kitty. And so then it was time to retire upstairs to the bar to dissect the game. Or in T-rex’s case, dissect a couple of rats that had been dead for a week and waft the stench out of his pants. We were then regaled** with stories of Buzz and Rexy’s trips away (don’t ever leave them in charge of an end of season trip) whilst pouring over the scoresheet that never lies.
And so at the end of the night, I reflected on my proudest achievement for the night. Not the victory, nor my glorious first zak with woodworm 1.0, but a steady flow of goldies stretching into the $20+ range. Mission accomplished. TCIF.
* Skip in his Essendung shorts
** Horrified by the tales of the seedy overseas underworld, filled with ladyboys and strip clubs