Welcome to the GF edition of the Kincaid Chronicle, with me your host and your captain for the night (YCFTN), Mary.
Due to Bludy Farkins’ penchant for all things involving drinking, gambling and frivolity, there was a 2 week build up to the big day to allow for the running of the Melbourne Cup, the GF parade, breakfast, brunch, lunch, afternoon tea and scones, dinner, dessert and midnight snack.
After fulfilling all parade and media commitments the big day finally arrived and the team was released by Reubs as Mary (Big C - Much to his surprise and chagrin), Buzz, Herc, Sticks, Schlang, Herschelle, Pretty Eyes and Juan Pablo “Kleenex” Gutierrez Colmenares della Puerto magnifico. Also in attendance were Knuckles on the video making box, Forrest in the jean shorts of questionable sexuality, and Mother Mary (again much to my surprise).
The opposition was to be the Ducks, a team we had a surprisingly good record against (11-6), but one that had beaten us in our last start. They had the honour of calling the toss and with cries of “we’ll bat”, the coin came down, the Ducks won the toss, and followed the advice.
And so, Da Famulee trudged out onto the court, mumbling about the farkedness of this club and centre, but keen to get the game underway. YCFTN tossed the ball to veteran fill-in Herschelle in the hope that his experience would be able to handle the pressure cooker of the opening over of a GF. And so he did! Initially bowling without luck, before a series of dots, a full bunger that “did everything” and ended up bowling the batsman on the top of off stump and then more dots to finish the over on 0. Again looking to experience, the nurrie was tossed to Herc. YCFTN was hoping Wazza’s robotic eyes weren’t completely fired up yet so that he wouldn’t spot the clear bend in Herc’s bowling arm, and it worked. A stumping followed by a bowled and the Ducks were on the back foot on -3 after 2. The pattern was experience and so it continued with Sticks bowling the 3rd over. 2 dots to start and it was a sink or swim moment in the game, which Sticks happily assisting the Ducks in swimming with a floatie that was pasted for a zak. It was looking ugly with 17 off the first 7 deliveries before catch to Herschelle at the back net, saw Sticks receive a reprieve and the Ducks finishing on 9 after 3 overs. With experience seeming to be letting me down, the ball was thrown to the least experienced Partridger on the court, Buzz. It was a good start too, with a wicket off the 3rd ball and the Ducks looking lame on 7 with just 5 balls left in the pair, but a series of mix ups (mainly due to Buzz getting in the way of the stumps) let the Ducks off the hook and they finished with 26.
Pretty Eyes started the 2nd pair off and bowled without any luck. His over was largely uneventful and went for 10 runs (inc -5 for shirt). WaaWaablo was thrown into the mix for the 6th over and after get hit for a side to back first ball, he channelled the great man himself, Wa² and tossed the ball up with great success taking two wickets and going for just 1 run. Bangschlangalang was up next and Da Famulee’s huge Danish following roared in approval as the great man started off with a wicked and followed with another late in the over to go for -3 runs. Juan Pablo Chavez was again thrown the ball and started well with an early wicket, but just like in the first pair, the Ducks got some late runs to score 11 off the over (Pablo 3/12) and 19 for the pair. Ducks 45 after 8 overs and it was an evenly poised game.
Buzz was tossed the aggot for the 9th over and bowled well. He was unlucky and went for 7 runs (Buzz 2/24). Feeling the momentum shifting, Schlaaaangy and his high short shorts were up next but the ploy to distract them with the possibility of seeing the great snake peeping out the bottom of his shorts. It looked to have worked with a wicket off the first ball but the following 7 balls were dispatched and he ended up going for 12 runs (Schlang 3/9). Still searching to wrestle back the ascendancy, Herc was thrown into action and quickly backed up the skippers faith. Two dots, followed by two run outs and the Ducks were heading in the wrong direction, with the over going for -3 (Herc 4/-6). The final over of the pair and YCFTN decided he still wasn’t adequately warmed up and so Conan was thrown the pill. He again bowled without luck, securing a run out but being zakked and the curse of the final over had struck again, 17 off it (T-Rex 1/32). Ducks 78 after 12. Delicately poised.
The final pair and YCFTN was now warm and now seemed ready to bowl. It turns out he was wrong, being dabbed and poked to both corners and eventually went for 5 runs (inc -5 for shirts). With a strong total looming Herschelle was brought back and he sent us on a rollercoaster. A wunnnnn, side/back four, caught, side/back four, wunnnn, wunnnnn, caught, run out and all of a sudden Da Famulee had a sniff. -4 off the over (Herschelle 4/-4) and the Ducks looking shaky on 79. YCFTN Mary, who was mediocre at best in his first, was to bowl the penultimate over. Looking to make amends, YCFTN took a wicket off the first ball courtesy of a handy “reverse flick” stumping from T-Rex. This was followed by a couple of dots, runs and run outs, with the over going for -12 (Mary 3/-2). Sticks bowled the last, hoping to break the curse of being belted in the last over of the pair. Despite another handy stumping from Pretty Eyes, he could not go against the trend and was dispatched for 10 runs (Sticks ‘chew for chewenty chew’ 2/22). The Ducks flapping to -1 for the last pair and finishing at 77 for their innings.
Suurrrreellllly it would be enough given the past batting troubles and YCFTN decided he and Conan would try to build a platform. It turned out to be a masterstroke with the two fat bastards (FB’s) streaking their way to 20 off the first over. Zaks, by Mary, off the first and last ball of the 2nd over, combined with lots of dabbage in the middle and Da Famulee was off to a flyer. 40 after 2. Cries of surrellly could be heard throughout Weston Creek and this seemed to work as some tight bowling led to Conan punching the ball to short leg and taking off, only to be sent back by YCFTN and ending in the first wicket of the batting innings. However, Conan and Mary were able to steady the ship, securing another 29 runs off the last two (including another zak to Mary on the third last ball) to lay a great foundation of 59. Mary 52, Pretty Eyes 7.
Looking to maintain the momentum, the experience of Da Famulee’s most capped players, Herschelle and Herc were called to arms and continued on from where the FB’s left off. They dabbed, bunted and flayed the bowlers to all parts, with the only setback coming on the last ball of the second over. Herc in particular looked to be a different man after is meeting at Livestrong during the lead up (post game tests were inconclusive for performance enhancers) and the two veterans scored an impressive 41 off their 4 overs, taking the total to 100 after two pairs (SURELLLLYYY!!!!). Herc 22, Herschelle 19.
Buzz and Pabs went out and kept up the momentum with some brilliant but awkward dabbing netting them 11 runs and looking comfortable. Whispers of surely, quickly became yells as Buzz took it upon himself to make the game interesting. It started with the 4th ball of their 2nd over as, after a pressure building two dots, Buzz decided it was the right time to trample on his wicket, much to the delight of the crowd. This was followed by another two dots and a missed run out chance which the Ducks made amends for, taking a run out on the last ball after Pabs hit the ball to the short leg fielder and wondered by Buzz didn’t run. Partridge on 106 and still looking in a good position after 10 overs. The next over looked to cut off the game until the 5th ball when Buzz was caught and Pabs was bowled next ball and the cries of “Suuuurrrreeeellllyyyy” were again reverberating around the House of Bludyfarkin’. The 12th over was undoubtedly the most eventful. After a dot ball (creating a two dot ball situation), Buzz was clean bowled. He followed this up by stepping to the leg side (a la Herc) and promptly having his leg stump rocking. There were cheers and jeers from Da Famulee faithful after another dot ball was followed with the advice from Knuckles to cover his leg stump. Buzz complied but forgot to cover his middle stump and he was castled again! With two balls remaining, the score plummeted back to 88, and there was a big possibility of Buzz getting out twice more (and facing all 8 balls in the over) and adding intrigue to the final pair. Fears were washed away as Buzz drove solidly to the back net and Pablo saw out the last ball. They finished with -8 (cha-ching!) with Buzz -11 (cha-ching!), Pabs 3 and Da Famulee finishing on 92.
It was left to founding members Sticks and Schlang to carry us home, with an underwhelming 15 runs to play with and after their first over it didn’t appear to be enough. Schlang bunted 3 of the 5 balls he faced for 5 runs but Sticks (much to YCFTN’s amusement) was caught twice trying to zak up. Da Famulee 89 after 13. The cries of suuurrreeelllly where getting louder but they were quickly silenced as the crafty old veterans bunting the next 12 deliveries for wuunnnnns and chews, ensuring victory for Da Famulee despite Sticks getting out on his last two balls faced (much to everyone’s enjoyment). They finished with 18, Schlang 20, Sticks -2 (cha-ching! HOOORAAAYY!!!!) and Da Famulee finished on 110. A 33 run victory and another premiership.
It was then upstairs for pizzas, celebration beers and the receiving of out premiership socks and coffee mugs. What? Socks and coffee mugs. Yes, socks and coffee mugs. Okay, that was weird even for Bludy Farkin. Herc was rewarded for a great all-round performance with the Man-of-the-match honours.
All in all, a great win and a great season.
Mary 54 (52, 3/-2)
Herc 28 (22, 4/-6)
Herchelle 23 (19, 4/-4)
Schlang 11 (20, 3/9)
Pabs -9 (3, 3/12)
Sticks -24 (-2, 2/22)
Pretty Eyes -25 (7, 1/32)
Buzz -35 (-11, 2/24)