Kincaid Chronicle


(Season 24 Game 9)

Not since the 4th of January 2011, also known as game 12 of season 23, have I (Bush) had the pleasure of guiding the purple and lime green chicken-duck things onto the hallowed (but patchy) carpets, busted nets, reasonably cold beers in the fridge, at the House of Blooooodyfaaaaarkin. It was a loss back then with me at the helm and after a short absence (6 months) I’d like to thank Mr Reubin Kincaid for entrusting me to once again front up as the Big C.

As luck (or good fortune) would have it, we’d be on the MCG where the busted nets weren’t all that busted, but as it would turn out, us Partridges would be busted up by the Juicy Ham.
How did this happen? Read on....

It started off with myself, Bush, as Your Captain For The Night (YCFTN) with a full compliment of players – Pablo, Herc, Cali (making a return after a notable break, or, so I’m told), Herschelle, Sticks, Mallarkeys and of course, Dad, well, you know him as Forrest. We’re up for a late game of 9:30pm and for memory, it was a little past this and more like the new Midnight, it was cold and when asked to call for the toss of the coin, we call “We’ll bat” and so it would be.

We bat, and to open would be Pabs and Herc, the latter still re-chasing his 3,000 career run milestone. I’m told, as a casual Big C, that Herc has been chasing for a few weeks now to make 3,000 runs (again), so I thought it only fair to have him out first with Pabsy. Broken scoreboard in their first over, a recovery in the second, more wickets falling during their third over together, but come the fourth over, Herc never stood a chance of climbing back to the magic number, with Pabs hogging 7 out of the 8 deliveries. Okay, so, Pabs stitched himself up and the Partridges watching on eagerly called for Herc to “Surely you can make it!” but it wasn’t to be. Wazza, who had been doing an excellent job of accurately reflecting the scoresheet that never lies, had our score at 7 runs. Yep, 7 hard earnt runs to Herc, zip to Pabs, which is neither a negative nor a positive but merely a non event when it comes to fineage with the bat.
As YCFTN, I was rather hoping for a better platform. What I had just seen was questionable gayness, at best.

Wanting to turn things around, I send out our second pair of Herschelle and Cali. I hadn’t seen California with the bat for some time and was rather hoping to see that he had adapted to one of down under’s favourite pastimes, namely cricket and not baseball or some other similar gloved activity, and in the early stages of the partnership, we weren’t disappointed. Cali led the way with runs in the first over, but as the overs went by, Hersch showed great poise and speed between the wickets while Cali came unstuck to some ‘fruit’ served up by Juicy Ham. Again, the broken scoreboard flashed on the MCG. Hersch would have 7 runs (positive), including a lovely zak, while Cali would have 21 runs (negative).

Time for the father and son duo to step out. Last time we batted together (game 12 season 23) I gave Dad to opportunity to face the jackpot ball, but seeing as he stuffed up back then, it would be my turn. Hey, I did squat with it, despite thinking a jackpot zak was in order. We had plenty of dot balls early, but once we found out that you can nick a swinging ball to all parts of the MCG, there were runs to be had. Forrest managed a few fives, as did I, and it was great to hear Wazza call, “Waaaaaaaaaaaaarrrn” a few times too. Dad managed to notch up our second team zak for the night (we’d only have two zaks while batting all game!) but we didn’t get out as many times and end up with a positive partnership or 34 runs.

Last pair of Bukkake and Sticks, usually a formidable pairing (or so Sticksy keeps telling me) promised heaps but delivered badly. Sticka, usually the back net specialist (or so he claims) just couldn’t get his rhythm and timing right, while Boo-Car-Keys was on fire with a run of outs, either being bowled or falling to a run-out. Somewhere in there would be the odd stroke of brilliance, except for the final delivery of the sixteenth over, whereby the resultant stitch-up by Bukkake on Sticksy didn’t end well. Much colourful language, the likes of which is forbidden at Melbourne Uni where I was on break from to be playing Partridge, would mean that I could return to the next term of study and if I didn’t like the lecturer or subject matter, then I could simply refer to the moment as ‘C*ntsville’. Not sure that this place is in anyone’s GPS, but with our final team score of 28 runs, this place sounded like it was a nicer location to be at than Blooooodyfaaaarkins!

So, with 28 runs to defend and with Juicy Ham only having 7 players, we’d give it our best shot as we take to bowling and fielding.
I pick Herc, Herschelle, Pablo and Forrest for the first four overs. By the end of the first four overs, Juicy Ham have more than our entire total!
As Sticks, YCFTN, Cali and Bukkake have the next round of overs, they’ve nearly tripled our total after 8 overs.

For overs 9 to 16, really not a lot of change. There were a handful of wickets taken, plenty dropped, and chances missed. Juicy Ham would go on and finish with a total of 186 runs and we would be found wanting to a losing margin of 158 runs.

They’d be plenty of goldies after the game, including the Captain’s fine, which was cough up a gold coin if you were over 18 years of age. Again, a visit to c*ntsville seemed to be the order on that note!

After the game, over a ‘TED’ upstairs, we study the scoresheet that never lies and quickly work out that as YCFTN, I’ve finally got a couple of Tooth points, an achievement if Herc’s milestone wasn’t that night. Cali’s net worth (negative) would see no Tooth points for him, but it was good to see him back. In fact, of the 8 players for the Partridge in this game, 7 had negative net worths. Is this a record and if so, can I as YCFTN claim this dubious honour?


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