Kincaid Chronicle

It’s a zak-athon!

(Season 24 Game 5)

Fellow Patridges, welcome to another 5 minutes of reading only to discover that it’s 5 minutes of your life you’ll never get back, unless of course you enjoy a good read on the subject indoor criggit. Well then, this should be a good investment of your 5 minutes then!

As Reuben had listed the team for this game, it would be Forrest (the Big C), Schlang, Herc, Bukkake, Pretty Eyes, Kleenex, Herschelle and Sticks, with Skip listed as an emergency (but wasn’t required). Now, as the Big C, I did consider having partnerships in the order as listed, but seeing as that would’ve meant the Big C having to open (again!) with Schlang, I reconsidered this position (‘cos I can!) and elect Sticka and Boo-Cakes to open. Afterall, it’d been a while since Sticksy had graced us with his ladling presence and it only seemed fair that he lead us off (looking splendid in his Piez Guernsey) with Mallarkeys looking the goods with his purple and lime green socks pulled almost up to his nether regions.

We get the word that our official game shirts will be required for this encounter with Juicy Ham (our opposition), as the previous four games for Season 25 were (allegedly) grading games, not that has ever helped us. We may have lost the toss but our cries of “We’ll bat” were rewarded.

With Sticks facing the first ball (the jackpot ball), he’s caught and the scoreboard is broken to the tune of minus 10. Butt-Cheeks rallies soon after with a zak and does his usual swing-batter-batter only to watch Sticka continue a bad run of ‘outs’ at the other end. A cracking zak by Car Keys off the final ball of their 4 overs was a nice way to finish, if the scoreboard didn’t reflect this. A partnership of minus 8, with Sticks quickly doing some quick calculations in his head to guess his negative.

Next up would be Pretty Eyes and Pabs and they survived their first over together without losing a wicket. Their second over went for no lost wickets, although Pretty Eyes managed to get a zak recorded on the scoresheet that never lies. Pabs tried a shot into the back half, something not often witnessed, but when it did happen, he was duly caught. He quickly went back to his form of dabbage after this. Both Pabs and Pretty Eyes would succumb to a couple of (questionable) run-outs but managed a partnership of 20 runs. After 8 overs, Da Famulee had amassed a grand total of 12 runs. Surely we could build on this platform from here?

Third pair were Schlangy and Herca, the latter having reached his 3,000 run milestone the previous week, and by the end of their partnership, it would be a case of Groundhog Day for Herc of going backwards. Schlangy managed to sway a couple of times and not lose his wicket to top score with 29 runs. With more (questionable) decisions on run-outs, the lads somehow managed to move the scoreboard in the upwards direction and we had at total of 28 runs after 12 overs.
With the Big C and Hersch to complete the line-up, not only would we be hoping to push a few extra runs to the tally, but it would provide an opportunity to select 2 bowlers, as Juicy Ham were playing with 7. Not that your Big C had been watching closely, I was too occupied with the mediocrity that passed as criggit, and was reliant upon Herschelle to make an informed decision, which he duly did. Our first over was slow and steady, but your Big C started to go backwards after this, saved only for a cracking zak (and a potential negative score), while Hersh managed plenty of side net two’s to build his score to 17 and a partnership of 24 runs, the highest partnership for the night from our efforts at batting.

So, with 52 runs as a total, surely we couldn’t go backwards from here?

Well, yes we can as it would turn out, but before you spend the last few moments of the 5 minutes you’ll never get back, it didn’t matter what we bowled up, for Juicy Ham, it would be a zak-athon. No one could’ve predicted the pre-zakulation but it would be messy!

Schlangy opened and his jackpot first delivery went back over his head (and everyone else’s – only to be saved from ending up at Woolworths in Weston Creek by the back net), followed by another a couple of deliveries later. It wasn’t much better for Sticka in the second over, he too got zaked, but we also managed to hold onto a couple of catches off his bowling. Third over from Malarkeys strangely wasn’t one with a zak in it, but there was a wicket, with Conan/PrettyEyes/T-Trex in over 4 also being whacked into the back net, but not before we managed a run-out. Was this run-out (questionable) like the others? Yes, yes it was, but we’ll take it anyway.

Oh dear…after 4 overs the Juicy Ham(sters) were on 43 runs and strangely close to overtaking our entire score!

For overs 5, 6 7, and 8, it’d be Herc, Hersch, Kleenex and the Big C in that order with another 4 zaks on the scoresheet (that never lies), but these zaks weren’t shared equally, 3 of them would go against the Big C and one for Herc. Hersh bowled some good yellow pill-like deliveries, Pabs got a few ‘wuuuuuuuuuuuuns’, but for having 3 zaks in four deliveries from the Big C, it was wig worthy. Okay, so the wig had been modelled earlier in the night for moments of mediocrity, but I really didn’t have a choice on this occasion.

At the halfway mark, Juicy Ham’s total was into three figures and there was a brief moment when as the Big C, I could’ve called it in, but hey, why do that when we could soldier on!

As their third batting pair come in, as Big C, I had a few options, but sadly, news of Warnie’s retirement had come through so we go with Boo-Cakes, then Pretty Eyes, followed by Schlang and then Sticka.

Boo-Cakes was on fire, it’s as if his keeping behind the stumps was shizen but he’d make up for it with his usual fizz as the wickets fell in his favour. The trend continued with Pretty Eyes, who got a wicket with the first ball of his second over, Schlangy started well but got zaked, and Sticka started well too, but he also got zaked. Far canal! What’s up with being zaked all the time! For memory, a couple of these zaks were actually parry’s, one through the fingers of Herschelle and another from the hands of the Big C.

With the final four overs to be bowled, we had snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Actually, there were no jaws, but it sounds good!

Herschelle, who had been doing a sterling job guarding the back net, started off over 13 and bowled without luck, Kleenex came on and despite a couple of well placed deliveries, they were dispatched into the back net. Herc, who motioned to the Big C that he had one over to go, was duly given over 15 but probably regretted it for he was zaked not once, not twice, but three times and with the Big C doing the honourable thing with the 16th and final over, we would walk off with mediocrity the winner. Well, it was till we went to the fines. 27 goldies were passed on, and this included a few from the Captain’s Fine which was anyone who didn’t hit a zak, keeping with the theme for the night.

Speaking of zaks, we had 14 of them hit off our bowling. Is this a record? Perhaps Reuben can start a new statistical listing on the website?

On a positive front, Schlang hit 29 runs off the bat, with Hersch and Pretty Eyes each managing 17 runs. Next best was Bukkake with 15 runs. Sticka came close to guessing his negative with the bat. He said minus 24 but it was minus 23. Close, but no cigar.

Final scores were Juicy Ham 165 runs to the Chickeny-Duck-Things with 52 runs.

(The Big C)

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