As Your Captain For The Night (YCFTN), it had been around a dozen weeks since I held this title, a title I was proud to hold in our very first game of season 22, for at the time, with a new season, I was the most winningest ‘Big C’. How time had moulded the purple and lime green into a lovely shade of “Forrest Peach”, a colour resembling a deep shade of bruising, for we chickeny-duck-things had been on the receiving end of a few shellackings. Game 13 would be no different…it would be a case of taking something that’s completely phucked and just making it phucked!
Our opposition would be the Scorpions on the SCG. They had roped in a couple of extras to make a full complement of 8 players, whereas we would end up with 7. Conan, named but a no-show (cha-ching) would miss out and it would be left to YCFTN, Herc, Boo-Cakes, Cali, Canada, Pabs and Schlangy to take the sting out of the Scorpions tail, so to speak.
What passed as a coin toss by umpire Shane (and Essendud supporter), they call ‘Heads’ and they get their way to bat. Despite protests by Herc and Boo-Cakes and suggestions of who should open our batting, it was to no avail, and onto the SCG we go. Given Herc’s enthusiasm to bat, I give him the ball to open up the innings in hope that instead of swinging his left leg out wide with his usual batting stance, he could place his left leg behind the bowling crease and pick up a few wickets. It wasn’t to be. Cali takes up over 2 and still not a wicket taken. Pabs, with over 3, goes without luck and narrowly misses out on giving a goldie for 3 leg-side wides, with YCFTN having a go with over 4. Yep, you guessed it, no wickets taken. The Scorpions first batting pair manage not to get out and amass a partnership of 50 runs.
New batting pair in and with Buck-Car-Keys to reverse the ‘no outs’ situation, if that was at all possible given our form to this stage, his fourth delivery was dabbed off the bat, YCFTN pounces and a run-out is the result. Hoorah! A bit premature perhaps, but we were getting desperate. Plus, it was chilly in the House of Bloodyfaaaaarkin and we needed some entertainment to keep our circulation active! Following the Spalshman was Canada, who chucked, er bowled, his best impersonation of Shaun Tait (on a good day when he doesn’t break down) and missed getting a wicket but did get zaked, then Schlangy started well with over 7 but was zaked, while Cali was selected by YCFTN to take over 8 and while he wasn’t zaked, he did hear Da Famulee shout “That’s two, ah, ah, aaaah” and narrowly avoided a goldie. So, with only one wicket taken during the second batting pair’s innings, the scoreboard was far from broken, as they punished us with another 53 runs on top of the 50 runs already scored. Oh dear, at the halfway mark, triple figures for the Scorpions – 103 runs.
A new batting pair and surely a new recovery?
Given Boo-Cakes earlier form with the ball, he gets to bowl the jackpot ball and achieves instant success. The remainder of his over went well and the scoreboard went backwards by minus seven runs. Okay, so it wasn’t much of a backwards action, but up until this stage of proceedings, it was better than going forwards! Canada is back, hoping to emulate Poo-Cakes efforts, but again, bowled without luck. Same could be said of Pabs with over 11, no wickets taken from the fizz he was sending down, but with Herc back in the action for over 12, success with a couple of wickets against his name on the scoresheet that never lies. The runs had been contained a little with this pair, managing 24, but the total was now 127.
As their final batting pair came in, and with just seven of us remember, Schlangy and YCFTN had their second overs to complete and then the Scorpions would need to pick two extra bowlers. They would be Canada and Pabs.
Schlangy opens up with a delivery, that if recorded in high definition and played back in super slo-mo on a fifty inch plasma, was a textbook example on how to bowl. Unfortunately for Schlang, it was cracked back over his head. Yep, a jackpot zak is recorded on the scoresheet that never lies. That’s gotta hurt. In fact, for anyone who’s been zaked on a jackpot ball, you know how this feels. Quite the opposite when you’re batting of course, ‘cos that feeling is awesome! Anyway, Schlang recovers nicely with several dot balls during the remainder of his over. YCFTN comes up and for the first time in many weeks, manages to get a wicket (or three) as it turned out. Over 15 from Canada sees a bit of ‘heat’ but again, no luck with the ball, with Pabs selected for over 16. Pabs collects a wicket from a catch (and there weren’t too many catches) but Pabs did manage a few extra deliveries in the final over due to wides. Did we hear “Cha-Ching”? Yes we did! Their final pair put on 21 runs and after 16 overs of torture, er, entertainment, the Scorpions had 148 runs on the board.
It was now our turn to bat. Bat, as in cricket bats, not that other kind of ‘bat’…
YCFTN selects our North American converts to lead off. Canada, still looking like he’s at home plate at Wrigley Field, is hitting much better this innings, smacking the ball nicely off the middle of the bat and picking up a few two’s and the occasional four. Cali, on the other hand, was lucky to hit the ball, dancing, charging, propping, what looked like questionable swaying, out of his crease. Stumped in his first over due to his keenness to ‘charge’ down the leg side when the ball is on the off side, he is stumped again in over two, over three and yes, in over four. Cries of “Scoreboard’s broken!” echoed throughout greater Weston Creek. We could smell a cha-ching in the making. Indeed, it would be goldie time for the lads, with minus 2 as their partnership.
YCFTN words up Schlangy that we would be next, much to Schlangy’s amusement that we could chase a skin of 53 runs. As a collective team, on recent form, we’d be lucky to make 53 runs in 16 overs. Still, we had 4 overs to do it. YCFTN offers the jackpot ball to Schlangy, who politely turned it down (may have actually said “We’re both cr@p and it doesn’t really matter”) which YCFTN agrees and makes the call to take the first ball faced. No jackpot zaks, much to the disappointment of the chickey-duck-things who were heckling, but they were quick to acknowledge the fine sway work that both Schlangy and YCFTN were displaying. That’s when they weren’t being hit by some fast deliveries. Schlangy managing to almost duck into a head-high delivery! No zaks for us and no skin achieved and after 8 overs, our total was 27 runs.
Our third pair would be Herc and Bukkake who began in fine form with their first over together. They soon swung lustily with the bat at deliveries ripe for the picking, with Malarkees registering a zak. Trying for an extra zak or two soon brought Boo-Cake undone when he did a Cali, that is, charge down the pitch and miss and get stumped, much to the amusement of everyone. Herca dabbed away and with the final ball of their allotted overs, cracked a gem of a zak. Alas, it wasn’t enough to get the skin, missing by 3 runs, but our score had moved onto 48 after 12 overs.
Pabs was eager to have his turn, however, the Scorpions had to pick one of us Partridge types to bat again. After they had a brief pitch discussion, they select Cali, which was fine by YCFTN, as I would’ve made him bat again anyway! Surely Cali would make amends from his first innings! Pabs faces the jackpot ball of over 13 and with a bit of sway action, gets an easy start, followed by his trademark dabbage. Cali, however, picked up from where he’d left off earlier in the night, caught out of his crease and stumped twice, but he did manage to get bat on ball into the side nets too. As the innings was drawing to a close, Canada says, “Were going to get done by a hunge”, referring to the losing margin being 100 runs. So as not to see that margin of three figures, Cali and Pabs see that we would snatch defeat from the jaws of victory by 98 runs.
Final scores were the Scorpions 148 – Da Famulee 50.
Yes, it was Toozdae night entertainment at its best! Worth the $13 admission fee!
As usual, the kitty was the winner, with many goldies deposited in for failing to take a catch, negative bating, negative partnerships and dropped catches, plus the Captains fine.
According to the scoresheet that never lies, Cali’s two innings with the bat produced minus 15 and minus 7 (cha-ching x 2), Canada scored 13 runs with the bat, Schlang amassed 3 runs, Herc scored 6 runs with the bat (and saved a negative bating score by hitting a zak on the last ball he faced), Boo-Kurk hits 15 runs, Pabs scored 9 and YCFTN managed 26 runs with the willow.
As for Da ‘Tooth points, well, I’ll let Reuben work it out and post it to da website, when it’s up and going again proper, as there may have been milestones achieved on the night etc.