Kincaid Chronicle

17/8/00

(Season 3 Game 7)

CAST OF PLAYERS:
Starring:

* Scott "Two Groins" Amos
* Stuey "Val Kilmer he ain't" Saint
* Jase "Straight Arm" Wright
* Clint "Mad Eyes" Fritz
* Pete "Twinkle Toes" Bolton
* Greg "The Secret Weapon" Stephens
* Marty "Raging Bull" Beggs
* Morris "The South Paw" Wilson
and Introducing:
* "Chopper" as the Man in Seat

The evening started with a small convoy from Phillip headed toward the patch of turf they were ready to defend with their lives, if need be.

The Partridge Family, to be referred to as "The Family", were on their way to fight for the honour of "The Family" in hand to hand battle.

In the convoy was : "Two Groins", "Val Kilmer he ain't" "Straight Arm" and "Mad Eyes"

The heavily armed members of "The Family" arrived at the site of expected violence and general unpleasantness to find that with the exception of "Twinkle Toes", the rest of "The Family" heavies hadn't arrived. A bloodbath was expected when it was revealed that "Chopper" was the designated Godfather for the coming turf war.

"Two Groins" won the toss and with half "The Family" yet to arrive, promptly chose to set a target (little did he know) and had the feared "Other Mob" field.

Fearlessly "Two Groins" sent his heavy hitters in to start the show, so wielding the weaponry provided by "Twinkle Toes" was "Val he ain't" and he was ably partnered by "Twinkle Toes" who entered the ring using willow provided by the management.

Someone had mentioned to "Twinkle Toes" that the strategy for the night was to ensure "Two Groins" got what was due to him, "The Family" had no problems with hamstringing one of their own and "Two Groins" was to go down. But in the heat of the battle "Twinkle Toes" was focussed on running out his own family, and even though "Two Groins" was comfortably ensconced in the upper viewing gallery with a cold one in his hand, "Val" found himself standing next to the immoveable force that was "Twinkle Toes" while "Chopper" raised the finger to indicate that blood had been let.

Even with the debacle that was with "Twinkle Toes" demonstrating ably why he'd been given the name, the boys left the field with a reasonable, if not quite healthy, 23 runs on the board.

Next in to do battle for "The Family" was "Mad Eyes" and "The Weapon". It soon became apparent that there was a contract on "Mad Eyes" and "The Weapon" had taken it up. A combination of surliness and poor communication ensured that much blood flowed and "Chopper" was in danger of getting RSI of the finger. This was a case of "Thunder Cricket", two men entered and only one was leaving, the other...well, the other got out of there but was not the same man. A beautiful combination that saw a hard fought -18. leaving "The Family" on an anorexic 5 runs.

The rest of "The Family" had arrived and warmed up with a quick beer or two in the upper viewing gallery. So far it hadn't been pretty cricket, in fact it was barely recognisable as cricket at all, but "Two Groins" was confident "The Family" could turn it around. So, placing his faith and trust in "Straight Arm" and "Raging Bull" the next pair went to do battle against "The Other Mob".

The only thing that can safely be said about this combination was uttered by "The South Paw" from behind another warm up brew..."The way they run together, they must have been separated at birth". No sooner than the two of them put up a couple of runs of the first 6 balls of an over than they'd lose a wicket on the last two, and managed to drag their sorry carcasses out having added a useful, but inadequate 6 runs.

"The Family's" score was looking a little like Karen Carpenter, on 11 when the last mobsters entered to do battle. Yes it was time for "Two Groins" to add to his tally and the job of whacking him came down to "The South Paw".

41 runs later, "Two Groins" still had no average. "The South Paw" was unable to fill the contract and "The Family" was languishing with a measly 52 runs to defend. That was okay by "The Family" though, because it was "The Other Mob" who were heard to utter during the semi-finals in the previous season "watch out for these guys, they're good in the field". If only it was near true.

Being the master strategic brain that he is "Two Groins" threw the ball to "Twinkle Toes" to start proceedings. I'm not sure what the strategy was, perhaps to let "The Other Mob" score so freely in the first over we could declare and retire to the bar having lost by not much. Things continued the same from then on, "Straight Arm" was next to roll the arm over, ably demonstrating the wit involved in nicknaming him, and if there was a catch to be taken "The Family" weren't there.

To say "The Family" were ordinary in the field leaves a lot of words from the Oxford Concise dictionary doing nothing, when they could quite adequately describe the events that unfolded out on the turf. Words such as pathetic, dismal, grievous, deplorable, pitiable, lamentable, mournful, disheartening galling, invidious or vexatious. All worthy words, but no matter how you try to describe the display put on by "The Family", they are still inadequate.

At the end of 16 overs, the score compiled by "The Other Mob" resembled a bulimic who forgets to purge....it was healthy.

After dissecting the debacle over a few subdued ales, "Two Groins", "Twinkle Toes", "Straight Arm" and "Val" showed the only consistency demonstrated all year, the ability to knock back a beer. "Val" expressing concern that "Straight Arm" might drown if he didn't slow it down.

All in all. an evening best not remembered. Two days later a member of "The Family" missing from the evening Luke "I strained it a footy, no really" Hickey had already decimated the line-up naming 3 replacements for the next week.

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