Kincaid Chronicle

Platforms Unite

(Season 22 Game 4)

What a peculiar day it must have been for good old Reuben.

Our Archie enemies the Polar Bears (aka Pork Hunts) were up against us. It
was time to give them a spanking. With a wealth of players to choose from,
not seen since the days of yore (when 10 players turned up to offer their
services to the great man), him who is of sound mind but, poor choosing
decided to rely on experience for this ‘grading’ match.

However, Herc, Schlang, Hersch, Boo Car Keys, Conan, Forrest and myself
turned up. Cali was thrown into the equation for a bit of fun, and Canada
hang around in the hope of stealing a base.
Well, nine don’t go into eight, unless Boo Car Keys has something to do
with it, and so it looked like Canada was going to have to sit this one
out. That was until Schlang pulled a master stroke for the pussycats by
trading himself in and allowing Canada to be drafted into Da Famulee team
at the last moment. Speaking of draught, I told Canada that he'd have to
shout the bar as a condition of his selection. We all got a coldie. Good
captaincy on my part.

It was about this time that the match which had been taking place at the
WACA had finally come to an end. I rushed down to tell the umpy and the
opposition that we would bat.
Notwithstanding, the ump tossed a coin, I called heads, Azz looked at me,
and I said “we’ll bat”.

I rushed back upstairs to organise the starting line up. Neither
Herschelle nor Forrest were holding an imbibement/drink/beer. So, the
starting pair pretty much chose themselves. Forrest and Herschelle went out
onto the WACA arena and set about building a platform, the likes of which
we only get to see but, once in a blue moon. They destroyed the
opposition’s attack and finished with fiddy-eight.

Conan and Boo Car Keys went in next. Now, I have captained my share of
games and I’ve seen platforms built, and I’ve seen platforms pulled down.
But, I’ve not yet seen a pair go in and, not only score more than the
platform setters, but massively almost double the first pairs’ score.
Unfortunately, after hitting three zaks in a row in their 2nd over
(following three consecutive wides), Conan managed to give away his wicket
in the last ball of this partnership to bring the score to a more
Famulesque 88. A zak would have given us 99 (remember that it’s a
two-digit score board) plus a few more on the Umpy’s scoresheet. Never

So, the role of destroying a previously established platform fell upon the
shoulders of our two imports, Canada and Cali. I tried to convince Canada
to sing “Oh Canada, Oh Canada….” as he entered the arena, but apparently I
had got the words or the tune or both wrong so, no dice. With a
baseball-esque batting stance and, batting grip, both Cali and Canada broke
the scoreboard. A lot. However, they came back to post a respectable “10
under” as Canada explained. I’m sure that I saw Cali attempt to steal
third base a couple of times. However, he wasn't succesfull and no extra
runs were stolen by this pair, nor were any runs likely to be stolen by the
next pair.

Enter YCFTN, Kleenex and his equally Swans - aka SMFC – supporting mate,
Herc. Both resplendecent in their Swans’ commemorative Guernseys. The
rest of Da Famulee felt safe again. No Zaks, no massive hits, just dabbage
and sways took our score to a very defendable 158 exactly. Genius. I had
been tempted to declare after Conan and Boo’s effort but, it was far more
entertaining not having done so.

I had some idea as to the batting qualities of the Polar Bears players, so
I selected my bowlers for maximum effect. Herc got first use of the yellow
pill. Despite the strained antics of the bear pair, they only managed to
extract seven runs from him. Conan also flustered the bears, who at the end
of the second over were on waaaan. I took advantage of the situation, and
I bowled a tightish over to have them on 5. Herschelle completed a
frustrating four overs (for the Pork Hunts, that is) and this partnership
left on bugger all really. Six. So, they were still a long way from
getting anywhere near our score.

Forrest had first go agaisnt the next pair and, once again the bears got
very little from his balls. Just some sweat and not much else. Herschelle,
Boo Car Keys and Cali then admonished the second pair and, they made it
very hard for the Pork Hunts to get any traction with the bat. Only Cali
offering double figures, 15. And so, they were still a long way behind.

Third pair vaguely bothered the umpire but, still managed to beat Cali and
Canada’s score of 10 under with a 27 over. Conan, Herschelle and I,
Kleenex were three of the four bowlers to have taken on this third pair.
The fourth and, pick of the bowlers, bowling second was Canada. Despite
two no-balls and waaaan wide, the Pork Hunts could only score 7 runs, waaan
off the bat from Canada's over. Draddy commenting that he'd not been able
to see the ball most of the time. Thus, the number of dots (4) in Canada's
over whenever he bowled on the pitch was explained.

The final pair needed something like 90 or so runs to equal. That was just
too much, and Boo Car Keys, Cali, Canada and Forrest left them stranded
some 60 runs short of their target on 94.
158 - 94 = 64 for those mathematically inclined.

Fantastic effort that. Captain’s fine was imposed upon those who dared to
score two or more zaks with the bat. Forrest, Boo Car Keys and Conan
coughed up.

Notable on the field this time were :
- Forrest, who juggled a ball twix his legs, but I'm sure he does that a
lot, so don't clap him,
- Canada and Cali, who did not take turns overstepping the white line while
I bowled.
- Herschelle doing his usual acrobatics stuff.

Next game is at 8:10pm. All of the above have put their hands up, bar moi.
I shall point out to Reuben that Mary has named himself awaylable. So,
another tough selection process for the poor old bloke.

Kleenex out.

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