Greetings Partridges and welcome to Forrest’s (YCFTN) chronicle!
Yes, as Your Captain For The Night (YCFTN), it was to be a night of a brand new season for us, given the previous week, we were bundled out of the finals (yes, everyone makes the finals!) at the expense of The Polar Bears, or as Boo-Cake likes to call them, “The Pork Hunts”. For reasons only known to Bloodyfaaaarkin, we were listed to play an 8:10 game on the WACA against the “Minties Moments”, a team (according the Stats page on the interweb) we had never played previously. Sure, we’d seen them before, even made comment “Why aren’t we playing this side - surely we’d be a chance”, and if you’re not sure who they are, well, they’re the guys who all wear matching yellow shirts with the name “Warnie” blazed across the back. Now do you know who I’m talking about?
Of course you do.
Unknown to us, as is the regular case at the start of any new Bloodyfaaaarkin season, would this be a grading game, a post-final bit of ‘hit and giggle’ or simply another $13 from each player to keep Tony’s coffers out of the red?
As it turns out, in the bar and on the eve of game time, Herc is on his mobile, logged into the interweb of partridge.chickeny-duck-things.heythisclubispharked.com and proudly announces, “Hey Forrest, you’re name’s at the top of the list - you’re the big C!” as if there was some relief knowing that it wasn’t going to be him.
So, as YCFTN, downstairs we go, just in time for umpire Russo (again, where was Merrick?) to toss the coin, which we duly lost and someone called “Warnie” said we could field first.
So, with only 7 Partridges on site, consisting of Herc, Canada, Cali, Bukkake, Schlang, Hersch and YCFTN, out we go onto the WACA where Herc would be given the first over. Nothing of note to report here, but with Schlang up for over 2, success with a catch by YCFTN (yes, avoided a gold coin) and then a run out and the Minties Moments were on the back foot for making a score. Canada (aka Beaver, Moosehead and a whole series of Canadian related names) takes over 3, gets zaked for the effort and a cha-ching for straying too wide off the pitch, and with Hersch up for over 4, he pegs a few runs back against their first two batters, “Warnie” and “Warnie” and we contain their first batting pair to 16 runs.
Enter the next batting pair of “Warnie” and “Warnie” and with BooCake into the attack, the stumps are scattered early. Then Cali (short for ‘California’ for the uninitiated) keeps their scoring limited with his first over for the night. YCFTN comes in for over 7 and performs in true mediocrity, bowling without luck, and then Herschelle takes over 8 which proves fortuitous with a wicket and at the end of the Minites second pair, they manage 11 runs and the score has moved to 27 runs at the half way mark.
After some careful strategic planning for a blitzing bowling attach, which may not actually have happened but it always looks good in print, YCFTN gives the yellow dot to Schlang to begin over 9. Turns out to be a slightly expensive over in terms of runs conceded and goldie forthcoming from too many leg side wides, but with Herc’s unique arm action next, over 10 brings the score back a little. Over 11 from Bukkake saw only 6 runs added, no wickets but a few dot balls in there, and then YCFTN tackles over 12 and instant success with a runout and several dot balls too. As their third batting pair of “Warnie” and “Warnie” step off the WACA, they’d push the score along by another 20 runs and were 47 runs at three quarter time.
As the final pair of “Warnie” and “Warnie” come out, we only had Cali and Canada left to bowl, plus whomever the “Warnies” decided to bowl again, overs 15 and 16. It turns out to be Schlang with over 15 and Cali for over 16.
With the words “Jackpot Ball” firmly ringing in our ears from Umpire Russo to begin over 13, Canada burns a delivery so fast, the batter “Warnie” never saw it coming, let along had a chance to take a swing at it. The dot ball becomes two but sadly Canada couldn’t repeat the effort, sending the ball wide to the chant of “That’s One ah ah aaaaah”. Turns out that the one wide became two and then three, much to the delight of the kitty. We’d like to excuse Canada’s bowling style as being a small resemblance to a baseball pitcher, but it’s too late for that! Cali takes over 14 and it was about from this point on that Cali’s night was to take a rapid downward spiral, although we weren’t to know this of course. Spanked for a zak didn’t help, as this batting pair of “Warnie” and “Warnie” were starting to find the zone. Schlangy then gets pushed (not literally) into the nets a few times as the scoreboard keeps ticking over and with Cali back for the sixteenth and final over, what should’ve a standard 8 ball over turns out to be ‘plenty’ of extra deliveries and another cha-ching for the kitty.
After having the “Warnies” on the ropes for the majority of the game, their final batting pair did the damage on the scoreboard with 55 runs added and they finish with 102 runs.
YCFTN makes an early call to send Herc and CarKeys out as our first batting pair. Chasing a skin of 16 runs, surely this could be achieved? After a quick ‘paper, rock scissors’ to see who’d face the first ball, it’d be Herc and it would turn out that Herca would do most of the scoring between them. With 13 runs after their first over together, the lads were on target to reach the skin easily. Would they have peaked too early? Was it a platform of epic proportions in the making? As it turned out in their remaining overs, BooCake did his best to get out as many times as possible. Was this a new record in the making for wickets conceived? ButtCheeks would subsequently be caught, bowled, bowled and bowled again in a short space of time and for reasons only known to the Cricket Gods, he still managed to finish with a positive score (just) while Herc shouldered the responsibilities and together they manage 18 runs and we take the first skin by 2 runs.
Next up would be YCFTN and Schlang and with much aplomb, we faced “Warnie”, then “Warnie”, flowed by “Warnie” and a fourth “Warnie”! YCFTN took the jackpot ball at Schlangy’s request (something about the last time they battered together, Schlangy had the honours) and with a cautious start, the jackpot ball wasn’t to be a jackpot zak, although the ‘fruit’ being bowled by “Warnie” was certainly there for taking, which Schlangy duly took care of. Mind you, it was only after Herc teased Schangly with “How many zaks is that Schlangy?” that the very next ball was placed into the back net on the full. Spurred on by the sudden rush of producing a high average of zaks for the new season thus far, BangShaLang repeated the effort and zaked it up for a second time! The big marn was on fire, as opposed to YCFTN who couldn’t find the back net on the full, despite missing on two occasions by a matter of inches. It was a fine batting partnership, ruined by a silly run out off the last ball, however, Schlang and YCFTN stich up the second skin with 44 runs added and us chickeny-duck-things had 62 runs after 8 overs.
Next in were Herschelle and Canada and like previous bowlers, it’d be “Warnie”, and “Warnie”, then “Warnie” and another “Warnie” to continue their efforts of ‘fruity’ bowling (ala the Great Man!)
A good start in their first over together, plenty of dabbage noted in the absence of Pabs and Bevo, but then Canada mistakes the game of cricket for baseball and instead of looking like Michael Clark in a test match with a straight bat and no headaches of a publicity seeking girlfriend, begins to swing lustily as if it’s the World Series! Denied potential zaks by just clipping the side net before the back net, he’s caught several times, all while Hersch finds the one’s and two’s to keep the scoreboard heading towards our target of 102 runs to draw, 103 runs (and above) for victory. Hersch even manages a zak and Canada is reminded, “That’s how you do it!” As they finish together, Canada and Hersch collect a third skin and our total is now 113 runs. I think somewhere in all this excitement, two of the “Warnies” began to feud on the WACA. Were we about to see two yellow shirts become one with a punch-up? There was mutiny amongst their ranks, which quickly subsided. Pity…
With just Cali left to bat and prior to Minties Moments picking a batter to come back in, BooCake has already suited up (may have actually just put his sweatband and gloves back on) thinking to himself that he’d be a ‘given’ to bat again after his shiteful first effort. But no, it wasn’t to be. As Canada was walking off, it was he who would be called back to bat a second time with Cali. Were we about to see a foreign invasion conquer an all Australian pastime?
As for Cali, his night wasn’t improving with the bat after what we’d seen with the ball earlier. Caught out, run out and heaps of swings and misses with the bat didn’t help and the frustration was beginning to take hold. Canada too managed to bring the scoreboard backwards and suddenly it was looking like a case of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. With Canada’s baseball background and knowledge, somewhere amongst all the excitement, he’s managed to belt the ball a couple of times when it counted, as did Cali, and together, the immigrants (may not actually be but it sounds nice), get Da Famulee over the line, although we were unsuccessful in taking the fourth and final skin.
Final scores were Da Famulee 117 runs and Minties Moments 102 runs.
As a result, YCFTN became the most winningest ‘Big C’ for season 22 thus far.
Notable winningest bits include:
• Greatest winning margin for the season thus far - 15 runs
• Greatest collection of Captain's fines for the season thus far - 6 goldies
• Greatest number of victories on the WACA for the season thus far - 1
• Highest team score of the season thus far - 117 runs
• Highest number of 'skins' won in a match against any opposition thus far - 3 out of 4
• First catch of the new season - YCFTN
• Lowest score of any opposition team played this season thus far - 102 runs
• Best win of the season with only 7 Partridge players - Season 22, Game 1
• Best win of the season with only 7 Partridge players against a full 8 man side - Season 22, Game 1
• Highest individual batting score in this season thus far – Hersch with 39 runs
• The "Couldn't take a trick all night" effort in this season thus far - Cali
• The "I wanted to slog the shite out of the yellow dot as much as I could 'cos the opposition were giving me the you-know-whats" effort in this season thus far - Canada
• The "Geez, didn't expect to hit a zak let alone two on the one night" effort in this season thus far - Schlang
• First player to be rejected from batting a second time by any opposition - BooCake
Finally, the Captain’s fine for the night was for anyone who didn’t take the first catch of the night and for the new season. As YCFTN was the only person to take the first catch of the night and for the season, an additional 6 goldies were quickly coughed up. It was also about this time that much colourful language was forthcoming in the general direction of YCFTN and MwahLarKeys wanted to bring the crayons back out and start crayoning a few changes around future Captain’s fines for Reuben to consider...