And so with Famulee pride on the line* I accepted the great responsibility and honour ** bestowed upon me by Reubs and donned the Big C for the night.
Having arrived just in time to be sighted at the bar, I proceeded to play mind games with the opposition by strategically choosing *** to loss the toss thereby shocking them into selecting us to bat first anyway. Hooray I proclaimed and thereby put my carefully constructed and cunning plan **** into action by selecting two fellow stalwarts in Herc and Schlangy. Combining two foundation members was bound to have the opposition reeling in the first partnership and with much proclaiming of ‘this club is pharked’ the legends strode to the wicket and set about carving a bewdiful (almost) run every second ball platform for us. While 14 runs may have had other captains worried, I knew that any other opening partnership would have been in flashing scoreboard territory. Highlight of the partnership for mine was Herc’s charge*****, lusty swing and resulting stumping!!!
With the departure of the foundationers, it was time for two rookie/fill-ins in Hersch and Forrest (sure they’ve got 700 games experience between them, but they’re still fill-ins!) to have a lash, and lash they did from ball on. Forrest facing the first ball (after continuing to dog his rock, scissors, paper responsibility and face up) and zakking lustily for a jackpot zak. The crowd booed heartily while Forrest yelled something along the lines of ‘take that you bitches’ (to us, not the fielding team) while saluting all those behind the back net. Luckily for Forrest, the nets stopped all the empty beer bottles we threw at him, while Hersch (disgusted at being denied the jackpot ball) zakked up the next ball. A mini-riot broke out behind the back net as the booing nearly lifted the roof off the House of Blardyfarken with the three zaks from two balls clearly being a reflection of my captaincy genius******. Normal transmission resumed with two dots from the next two balls, but Forrest and Hersch continued to carve up Juicy Ham (badoom tisch) with 28 from the first over on their way to a partnership of 60.
74 from 8 overs was 3% short of my game plan, so I decided to up the run rate and brought Pabs and myself to the crease. Pabbsy lost RSP and faced up – surely he couldn’t emulate Forrest with a jackpot zak I thought..... and I was right. Two dots from the jackpot ball were followed by a customary ‘Pab-dab’ and we were away. With Pabs weaving his magic trick of not having either hand on the bat but still playing an impregnable forward defence to every ball, I proceeded to spoon the ball to all corners... of the top net that is. Pabbsys only out being the one ball he tried to hit into the back half of the court, while I equalled Forrest’s two zaks – we came from the field with a glorious******* 43 on the board and had managed to make 6 more runs than I had allotted in my game plan.
Mary and Boocake were next at bat, and things started bewdifully with a Beefcake runout on the jackpot ball and Mary spooning a catch to be minus 6 after the first over. While Mary recovered to zak up, Buck-khaki continued (to his credit) to slog wildly in a vain attempt to reach the back net. To his dismay (and our delight) he only succeeded in losing six wickets on his way to a minus score, and dragged Mary down also to a minus 6 partnership – we had our first cha ching in da kitty before going into the field and my confidence was high with us defending 111.
I thought i’d capitalise on Mary’s fury and wound him up for a Tait like opening spell and he delivered with an inspired opening over of minus 10 – thanks to them missing two shirts and to Mary’s continuing disgust, a shirts adjusted net score for him of zero. I decided to follow with Forrest (who donated back one of his two zaks), Pabs (who donated back two of my zaks), and Hersch (who donated back his zak) but led by an on fire Schlangy in the front court, our fielding display was most un-Partridge like (i.e. we held catches!) and still had 81 runs up our sleeve after the first pair.
I opened up next and immediately wished I hadn’t being carted for 5x2 from the jackpot ball, however was delighted when Buttcakey made a glorious stumping (much to his disgust!). Schlang, Herc and Boocarkeys closed out the next few overs – Tone being the choice of the bowlers (and also racking up a cha ching for three extras) and me cursing Schlang and Herc after dropping catches off both their bowling. After 8 overs they were 65 and we were hanging in there.
The turning point came in the next two overs, with Florist jagging three wickets and Pabsalenko snaring two wickets to both have minus 5 overs. Herc and I couldn’t cash in on some Partridge like batting, but both managed to take wickets and we had restricted them to a paltry four runs and were looking good – SURELY WE COULDN’T LOSE IT FROM HERE!!!
Mary again led off to two duds without shirts, but this time managed a genuine minus bowling with two wickets, Hersch bowled his standard over (i.e. no luck, no wickets) while Schlang cashed in on Hersch’s luck and took 3 wickets in 4 balls to seal victory. They had moonwalked back to 57 when I unleashed the surprise of who I had saved the honour ******** of the last over for (i.e. Splash). After getting all our hopes up for a profitable over with an extra from the third ball, the rest of the over and match passed without note – they ended on 71 and I had become the winningest captain for 2010... dropping four catches along the way much to my disgust.
Basking in the afterglow of the victory, I turned my captaincy genius to the much awaited YCFFTN (Your Captains Fine For The Night) – having personally dropped more catches in the field than the Pakistan cricket team throwing a game, and owing four goldies, I proclaimed that anyone with less fines than me (prior to paying YCFFTN) was up for another goldy and i’m sure i heard a cheer emanate from da kitty (whilst everyone else booed roundly!) That brought the tally up to 19 goldies for the night to which Herc taunted something along the lines of any Captain who gets less than 20 goldies in da kitty is a dud... ever thankful for his constructive advice, I produced my membership card, thereby simultaneously extracting another goldy from Herc’s wallet and elevating my status to winningest and official non-dud captain for 2010.
Forrest – 33
YCFTN – 28
Hersch – 27
Their shirts – 4 for -20
Mary – 3 for -2
Schlang – 3 for -1
And thus, let the pages of history show that another glorious (and profitable) Famulee victory was achieved as we continue our push to another successful********* finals campaign.
* May not have actually been on the line
** aka luck of the random captain draw
*** frogs arse!
**** see above
***** may have actually been a stumble
****** see two above
******* may have actually been assisted by ordinary fielding rather than sublime batting
******** may have actually been a stitch up
********* success indicators being the amount of beer and pizza consumed during finals, rather than on field victory