Kincaid Chronicle

Hotter en hell

(Season 21 Game 15)

Hello Sports Fans.

And so we met at Blardyfarken Technologies last night for another sauna session while wielding leather and willow. After some spirited entendre work from Herc in the upstairs sweat box we assembled for our regular game against the Polar Bears, or as I like to call them the Pork Hunts. Every time something insignificant goes against them they spit the dummy, prompting me to think to myself "Oh those Pork Hunts"...

Anyways, as YCFTN I hadn't lost a game as captain all year, and was planning to keep that record intact. Pabs was inconveniently expecting the arrival of another little moustache (on a Toosday, WTF???) so he asked that we field first so he could Pearce Off early. So we took to the field. And didn't the Pork Hunts show us their true metal, with Chook being penalised 5 runs after a glorious Forrest run out when he tried to crack off stump down through 3rd man for 4. I prefer not to dwell on the performance of you lot, as I've read lots of sports journalism lately and while only about 63% of it is based mainly on statistics, that 63% has statistics as 75% of the content (on average mentioning 6 stats per paragraph) and that sort of thing really shits me.

Anyways, Chook and Azz relinquish their batting spots to another couple of duds who can swing the bat OK, it was in here that I gave Herc two overs out of three because the big guy seemed not to be able to connect with his bewdiful outswingers. He did however manage to get a superb edge on one of them that sailed straight past me at boob height while I was watching on with great interest.

Anyhoo, after 8 overs they had 65 on the board and here's where the madness starts. Disco "Just Call Me Tanty" Stu comes to the pitch and jumps straight into tizzy action, being warned by the umpire for banging his bat too vigorously on the ground while facing up. Fair dinkum I thought he was going to pop one of his nuts he was that worked up. So of course what am I to do but send Forrest up to bowl as fast as he possibly can. Schlangy did end up getting the next over, and started off rattling the stumps, which he obviously wouldn't have done if brought on one over earlier, master stroke of captaincy by me at this stage.

The last pair were not so good, putting on 1 off their 4 overs, with some fine morse code from YCFTN going for 1 dot 1 dot dot 1 dot dot in the final over.

And so the Pork Hunts take to the rield, and things were going along quite nicely, with the first pair of Willy "I gotta leave early" Kleenex and John getting a start, then Hersch and Schlang pushing it along nicely, and while Forrest was then asked if he'd ever batted with Bevo I decided that Forrest and I could surely chase down a skin of 1 so Bevo and Herch went in with instructions to get about 35. Well Bevo's sway is coming along nicely (he just needs to get his heels off the ground and thrust his pelvis, think of Beyonce and I'm sure it will get even better) and he managed a cracking zak in the last over, leaving Forrest and YCFTN only needing 16 for a win.

So we did pretty shit, getting 7 off the first 2 overs and 0 off the third...

Enter over 16, the traditional grudge over for the Pork Hunts. After last time we met when they walked off the pitch following a magnificent Herschelle Mankad, things were heating up when we needed 6 off the last ball. YCFTN had been stalling a little, but did his best to compose himself several times off to the leg side of the pitch. And so Hot Pants said he'd bowl the last ball underarm, and so YCFTN duly laid his bat down and faced up to give the ball an almighty kicking should it make it to me. Lo and behold the ball was delivered overarm, and I called that suuurely it was a no ball and we should have it again. It was at this point that Chook instigated the now customary last ball walk off, which they couldn't even get right with most of the players staying on the pitch. Another ball was bowled, I skied it and it was caught and it seemed we had snatch(there you go Herc)ed defeat from the jaws of victory once again. History will show that we were simply beaten by a better, albeit crankier and more dummyspitterish team.

In summary, now that my perfect captaincy record for 2010 has been soiled, I will not be available for selection for Da Famulee until at least 19 January, giving me time to dry my eyes (Princess) and HTFU.


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