Dubyah here with a very mediocre match report for my return to the House of Blardyfarken, also known as “The Night of the Mankad”.
As YCFTN, I rocked up to the House of Blardyfarken at 5pm for some pre-game drinks. Not surprisingly, all the same reprobates were mulling around the building that were always skulking around when I left Canberra in June 2008.
Slowly Da Famulee started to arrive in dribs and drabs, champing at the bit to take on the Polar Bears. YCFTN won the toss (I think) and as he had a drink in hand, decided to bat. Even though Umpire Gaz started the game late… no Hersch or Stikatek….. Cha-Ching! Good start to an evening where kitty would be sitting back and rubbing its full belly.
Mary and Harry opened up the innings as they were actually in attendance and had no drinks in hand. Harry pushing the score along nicely and Mary zacking it up a little. The scoresheet is bloody hard to read, but I can tell you that after 4 overs the boys came out sweaty with the score on 74. Good platform…. Surely…..
Next up, YCFTN and Herschelle. Whereas my first ball resulted in a wicket, Hercsh was hitting the nets and keeping the score ticking over. All was going well until Hersch got dudded out of 5 runs for helping the fielders by hitting the ball a second time as he ran through for a run. We all knew Gaz had questionable sexuality….. anyway… further dabbage, some extras and a wicket, but we came out with 29 runs, and the total on 103.
Boocakes and Stika-tika-tika-tek strode out onto the pitch next (I assume because Kleenex still had a drink in hand). Calls of “Seven to equal”, “That’s not a Zak”, “Good shot, idiot” and much laughter was soon heard throughout the House of Blardyfarken. According to the score sheet that never lies (and is barely legible) Boo Car Keys showed up Sticks by hitting more zaks and getting a very tidy 39. The dud(e)s added 59 to the total and the mighty Famulee was sitting on 160…. SURELY we can’t lose it from here!!
Then I realised Kleenex and Bevo were batting together. An anonymous Partridge then informed me the only partnership worse that Bevo and Gaz together is Bevo and Kleenex. And having Gaz as the dud umpire could not be a good sign. However, apart from Bevo getting stumped and bowled in succession, and Kleenex being stitched up in a run out, the boys kept the score ticking over in a clinical if not ugly display of famulee dabbage. Happy that the scoreboard was not broken, the boys both escaped with positive scores, 18 more to the team total and a final score of 178.
After beers had been finished we slowly made our way onto the pitch. I can’t remember why I chose Mary to open the bowling, but like all my decisions this night, there wasn’t much thought involved. Narrowly escaping with a “2 ha ha”, Mary went for 0/14. Thinking I’d better get rid of one of my overs, and using the theory of “shit gets wickets” I was up next with 1/5. Having no idea of Harry’s talent with the ball, he was thrown the ball next and promptly befuddle the batsmen enough to allow Bevo a stumping, 1/6. As we were travelling so well with the ball, it was time to bring in the secret weapon…. Pablo von Kleenex. After starting with a dot ball, I think they had Pabs figured out as the rest of the over went: 7 5 W 2 L 2 3… ouch! So at the conclusion of this pair the Polar bears were 48 compared to our first pair of 74.
For the next pair, Sticks was tidy and picked up a wicket 1/5. Bevo bowled next…. Nuff said. Boo Cakes zipped the ball in for 2 wickets straight up and kept the over at 2/-2. Hersch was tidy with the ball restricting the batsmen to 1’s and 2’s before getting zakked on the last ball of the over and pair. Just pipped for the skin, this pair got 33 to bring their total to 81.
Pair number 3 also copped a Stickatek-attack straight up, but took it in stride, poking the ball around and taking 18 runs. Pablo copped the same treatment for 21. More of the same for Harry, 16, and your dud captain giving away a zak for a total of 18. That pair racked up 73 runs and the Polar Bears were now on 155 chasing 179….. errrrmmm… surely??
The final pair (featuring Hot Pants) strode confidently to the crease… none of us imagining what was to follow. Boo cakes put in another great over to keep the batsmen to 9. Bevo bowled well, with a run out helping to restrict the batters to 3. They were now on 167 chasing 179.
Next up was Mary who despite starting with a wide, managed a few dot balls and only a few singles for a total of 8 runs. Score check… 175 chasing 179.
The final fateful over.
The ever reliable Herschelle tasked with cleaning up the tail and ensuring a Partridge victory.
The batsmen playing it safe the first 5 balls went 2 1 1 dot L….
On the fifth ball rebowled the batsman came down the crease, missed the ball and was stumped. 2 balls to go, 176 chasing 179.
Ball number 6… a single.
Now during this over it was quite noticeable that the batsmen were backing up quite a long way… some might say they were “a f*cking long way out of their crease” when the ball was bowled.
2nd last ball of the over…. Herschelle trundles in. The non-striker is half way through a single when we all realise that *cha-ching* Herschelle has successfully pulled a Knuckles special… the hated Mankad!!!!!
The crowd goes wild with fury! Hot pants storms off the court in disgust, informing the Umpire that, nup.. they were out of here with one ball to spare!!
The Polar Bear Capt wanted to face the last ball of the innings to attempt a zak to win, however Gaz had called an end to play when Hot Pants chucked his ‘nana.
Oh the controversy!! Gotta love it, plus we got the win… so sucks to you, Polar Bears!
Now before I sign off… Reubs has informed me of the following milestones:
Career Milestone: Bukkake 450 wickets
Season Milesteones: Hersch 100 runs, Harry 100 runs.
Was great to catch up with you all again… see you in another year or so!!!