As per normal selection methods, two sans beer batted first, that being Hersch and Steve Monnerspaghetti.
With the new jackpot ball rule (those that don’t know the rule, please put your hand into your pocket and reach for a goldie) upon us, Monners got out twice. And then, for those that missed the replay on the big screen who missed the first (and second one) he got out again!
The cry from the crowd was “Monners, he’s 3 from 2!”. There were other cries, but they were more from laughter. Monners, two deliveries, -15. Welcome to life as a Partridge son. (Editors note: indoctrination complete).
Hersch recovered from such slippages to restore faith and after 4 overs we’d reverted to the tried and true method of winning games, having a positive score on the board.
But that was all about to come crashing in around us. No’s 1 and 5 entered the arena. Gadj fresh from a whirlwind visit of the porn stores in Fyshwick, and Schlang, recouperating from a sore foot when he inadvertently dropped his old fella on it in the urine trough earlier in the year. Nasty, nasty injury that. And how he’d recover having to run lightning singles with Gadj was anyone’s guess.
Gadj lost rock paper and scissors at the third attempt. He was muttering something about being cheated out of it but little did he know but worse was to come as Schlangy had a touch of the blarney on his side. Gadj got out charging first ball when he some how inside edged a leg spinner to the keeper and was stumped. -10. Amazing cricket that. Gadj’s first two overs were riddled with stumpings and the further he charged, the more wind gushes were felt by all and sundry up the front of the net. However at the other end, Schlang got dropped about eleventeen times by the spastics in the field (who of course managed to catch everything Gadj hit at them). Gadj recovered to make a positive and Schlang made plenty as the score started rocketing toward a decent tally.
Kleenex (the belly with a man attached) and Herc (the man batting with the belly with a man attached) went third. Pabs certainly hasn’t lost anything since this intrepid reader last saw him, in fact I think he found it, about 20kg in fact. Herc’s batting prowess knows no bounds, including a ‘dink’ when he ran down the pitch, saw the ball was short at his body, and just held the bat at an angle which would befuddle the opposition into thinking he was hitting it into the ground. It bobbled up onto the on side and landed safely for one, but not before Pabs scurried through for a single, and even had time to pull out a dim sim and be ready for a second (dim sim that is) before Herc had even touched down safely for the first. That might have something to do with Herc raising his bat in the air pronouncing his mediocrity before the ball had landed….I’m not sure.
All was going well until Monners brought out the Monners version of “Surely!”. Pabs instantly started to look like the pilot in Flying High (“the captain’s gone to jelly!”). A vicious swing down leg side and even more vicious follow through saw him hit all three stumps with his bat, being possibly the first player to hit his stumps, whilst wearing a purple shirt, lime green hat and mouthguard, ever!
Oh, that reminds me, Pabs, when you wear the lime green hat and purple shirt, that protects you from everything, so there’s no need to wear a mouthguard. The purple and lime green is impenetrable! It’s a force greater than mankind (and yellow ball). What’s that Sticks, you say you still need to wear a box….oh, ok, point taken.
Anyway, Partridge reeled after that dismissal, or Monners comments, not sure. We lost wickets left right and left again but Herc in all his master-edness “wright”ed the ship as only he can. Pabs helped too. Sort of.
Sticks and “the Whore” batted last. Nathan, of umpiring ‘fame’ joined our motley crew as we were a Partridgee short with the outflux of players to other indoor cricketing venues around Australia looking for talent, and hints and tips as part of the Partridge Famulee Continunous Mediocrity Program implemented in the summer of 6661, er, 1999.
Anyway, to cut a very long story short, we made 150. A magnificently mediocre effort seeing none of us are actually any good. Says a lot for the donkey drops the opposition were handing out.
We parted ways forlornly with our beers and entered the court. Gadj marshalled the troups into positions. Mostly people looked at him to say “who is this bloke”.
Pretty much the first few overs were a blur, until Gadj bowled the 6th or 7th (it matters little the detail). Gadj had decided that the pitch wasn’t taking much spin, so medium slow (or slow medium) would be the way to go. The first two whizzed by the bat. The batsman actually tired of the ball getting there and had a snooze to be honest, but let’s not let detail get in the way of the truth. The next one came back at at least 47km/h and Gadj parried it onto the back net. CHA-CHING! After recovering from that setback, Gadj bowled the next three beautifully and again missed the edge of the bat. But the next one sailed back at him again. In true Daffy Duck style, “he dodged, he PARRIED”………onto the back net again! Pharken game.
Anyway, recovering from the laughter, the lads recovered and after 15 overs we had them in all sorts of strife, requiring a hefty 11 off the last over. Gadj turned to Herc and instead of saying “Come on Herc, the whole worlds’ watching but I have complete faith in your ability to win the game for us”, he said “oh well mate we tried hard, but bad luck”…….
Herc managed to keep it very tight and with some good fielding (meaning we only bobbled the ball twice instead of three times) we had the game in the balance with a couple of deliveries to spare. Herc then tried a mankad. Well it was a retarded mankad, being ILLEGAL and therefore being a no-ball. The opposition in their dismay didn’t ask for the ball to be rebowled and therefore needed three off the last ball. Sticks, thinking they needed 5 pushed everyone to the back net, true Mike Brearley style. Twasn’t required. Herc pushed the last ball past the outside edge. Backstop Schlang in his 300th true to form lofted the ball above his head to proclaim that he’d finally phucken caught one. We win, they lose. Sucked in to the opposition for having shit shirts!
Highlight for me……..well besides Schlang’s two catches, Monners two-two grabbers and no other catches being taken, I think it was a toss up between Gadj’s parries, Sticks double-no-look-missed-run-out off his own bowling – then claiming he had to do all the work himself, Pabs hit wicket, and Hersch getting frustrated because the ball wasn’t returned within a poofteenth of the stumps each ball, the winner was Pabs handing out “commemorative” 2005/2006 ANUCC 5th grade premiership cricket left over medals after the game in the car park.
Lowlight for me…… Pendo’s has shut down. After being kicked to the curb by management early we had no where to go.
Just on Pendo’s, how are we gonna bag shit out of bogans who hang out there if they shut the joint down. BOO PENDO’S MANAGEMENT, BOO!
Thanks to everyone who turned up and for those who didn’t, phuckyas.
This is Gadj writing in the third person, signing off till August 2009 (10th anniversary tour)