Kincaid Chronicle

Written with AFL TV commentary in mind...

(Season 18 Game 12)

Queue commentary from Dennis ‘Centimetre Perfect’ Commetti
“Hi sports fans and welcome to the SCG for another thrilling instalment of the Kincaid Chronicle. Coming into this game, the Partridge Family are not short on form, but that’s debatable given the stats unearth by Bukkake earlier this week, 1894 career games on show tonight, including the top 6 gamers on show.”
“Difficult to know where the Family will end up at the end of the season, given the 11 games played so far in season 18, with a 6 win – 5 loss count – but a last minute appointment of Forrest as their Captain for the night (hereby known as YCFTN) could prove to be the much needed boost that Da Famulee need.”
Queue commentary from Bruce
“So Dennis, an interesting move with Forrest as Captain.”
“That’s right Bruce. Word from the rooms is that Sticks has pulled a heartstring in warm-up and has withdrawn from the game. Disappointing that, as he was approaching a 2K net worth. Plenty of fans here were looking forward to the milestone from the player fondly referred to as Jimmy Neutron, especially with his much admired ladle swinging, part eyes closed, one handed batting style.”
Back to Bruce
“Well let’s have a look at the line-ups for the 2 teams playing tonight. Firstly, the Partridge Family, now with Sticks out of the side, sees Bevo come into the 8, with Schlang, Herschelle, Herc, Knuckles, Skip and Bukakke, and as we mentioned before, Forrest as YCFTN (Your Captain For The Night).”
“Now, if we bring up their opposing team, we see that Kerwin’s Mob have again filled a full side with a mixture of experience and age for this game. It’ll be needed, as it was in game 7 when they last met with the Partridge Famulee that they went down by 33 runs. That was a speeeecial game!”
“The man in white, Umpire for this game, will be Wazza,
“To call the game, let’s go down to the SCG and to our Boundary Rider, Forrest, YCFTN.”
Queue Forrest
“Thanks Bruce.”
“Well, what a start to this match. Just prior to the bounce, or is that the coin toss, we see Wazza motioning that we’re to bat. Not sure how that decision was made considering we were in the upstairs bar, but as YCFTN, I’ve nominated Bukkake & Skip to open the innings, despite a protest from Bukkake that he had a beer in his hand. Something about “Don’t you know the rules?” was mentioned, but I said that as he and Skip were closest the door and thereby closest the to the SCG, they could open.”
From the sidelines, it quickly became evident that previous form by Bukkake wasn’t about to change in a hurry. Fresh off the previous week’s negative net worth, Bukakke was again heading in the same direction! 2 outs in the 1st over to Bukkake meant our platform was looking shaky, but Skip’s gentle dabbage against the swinging ball wasn’t helping his cause either, stitched-up on a couple of occasions. Cries of “Scoreboard’s broken” began early in the first 4 overs for Da Famulee. Not even a cracking zak from Bukkake could save him from negative batting and with Skip, the pair made a total of minus 5. Do I hear the sound of cha-ching?
As YCFTN pondered the 2nd pair, I noted that it had been a while since I’d paired up with Knuckles, and so together we would set about repairing the broken platform.
The usual game of ‘Paper, Scissors, Rock’ from Knuckles meant YCFTN wasn’t having a bar of that and simply pointed Knuckles to face the first ball of the 5th over. A cautious start, as YCFTN wasn’t seeing the ball all that well, and perhaps the same could be said for Knuckles, as the big marn did his best at some gentle spoonage (ala Sticka’s top net work), only to be caught out several times. YCFTN however, just swung blindly and miraculously, bat and ball connected on the odd occasion. One such hit went flying so fast towards the back net, the fielder didn’t quite see it coming and fairly smacked him in the face, resulting in him spending a short time off the SCG with a bag of frozen peas to help settle what would no doubt, result in a lovely shiner across his right eye.
Mind you, it wasn’t their only injury, as YCFTN also managed to crack another shot towards the back net, smashed into the fielders fingers and then a lovely parry into the back net for a resultant zak. If you can’t beat them on the scoreboard, then at least bludgeon them on the field!
Bludgeoning wasn’t something that Knuckles could achieve, despite his best efforts, as his ground strokes meant the ball went away from the ground, up in the air and into the waiting hands of the field. Caught 3 times and run out once, Knuckles just managed to keep his head above the zero number with a score of 1 run. YCFTN - a few more runs than 1.
After 8 overs, a suitable platform was established, but it wasn’t looking good…
Next pair of Herc and Bevo went out to face Kerwin’s Mob, who by now, several of their bowlers had worked out to swing the ball when bowling. If the ball swung a bit, then this game would see it swing a lot! It was kinda nice, as the ball swung, Herc’s customary front foot swinging was also in unison.
Their first couple of overs were gentle, pushing the ball into the side nets for some 2’s and the occasional ‘Waaaaaarn” from umpire Wazza, but as their partnership continued, you could see Bevo’s eyes light up at the thought of smacking the skin off the ball. All good in theory, but not so in practice. Bevo’s shots lacked a little height for the back net, meaning he was caught once in over 11 and twice in over 12. Herc’s ability to jog up the pitch, no pressure for the fielders, wasn’t his best work either. Suddenly, shades of Bukkake & Skip’s partnership were returning to haunt Da Famulee. Yes, another broken platform and negative partnership. This time the sounds of cha-ching and “Scoreboard’s broken” again could be heard. Oh, and something about being gay…
Last pair for Da Famulee of Hersch and Schlang, surely, couldn’t go backwards from here?
So far we’ve gone negative partnership, positive partnership and then negative partnership. Would this mean the trend would be a positive partnership? In a word, yes!
With Herschelle needing 21 runs to reach his milestone of 200 runs for the season and Schlangy just happy to get runs, their partnership saw a wicket to each player during their allotted 4 overs, hence, the scoreboard was ticking over nicely. Again, Wazza called a few “Waaaaaarns” and “2’s”, even a zak for Hersch. Some reminiscent swaying in honour of the Great Man from the lads was nice to see, including a moment whereby they stole an extra run. Never has Schlangy moved his feet in such a coordinated manner. Hersch, of course, does this every game. Sadly, as it turned out, Hersch missed his milestone by 1 run on the SCG but together, our 4th pair finished with a positive.
The overall score wasn’t all that positive after 16 overs. We have amassed a total of 51 runs against the opposition.
So, a quick change over, and YCFTN selects Bevo to not only bowl the first over, but to also wear the wig. The sight of a lime green fluorescent wig coming at the batter was in theory, a good way of unsettling the batters. Bukkake had also requested to be Wicket Keeper, denying Bevo a place behind the stumps, and this is also why Bevo got the 1st over. Alas, it wasn’t to be the best of starts. Bevo’s accuracy went missing, meaning a cha-ching for leg side wides, and he was tonked for a zak as well. Next up was Skip, who with his usual pace, reigned in their ability to score off the bat, and while not getting a wicket, did manage a couple of dot balls on the scoresheet (that never lies). Having Bukkake behind the stumps paid off in the 3rd over. Schlangy managed to beat the batsman with pace (?) with one delivery, the batter was out of his crease, and the rattling stumps followed. After this, Schlangy caught Bevo’s disease of leg side wides and more cha-ching’s ensued. Herc takes over 4 and while catching a mild dose of Bevo’s disease, manages to escape the leg side cha-ching and bowls without luck.
After 4 overs, Kerwin’s Mob have 50 runs and here we were defending a total of 51. YCFTN loves a challenge. Even Herc says, “Mate, you’ve been here before. You’ve nothing to fear!” That may be true, but I look fear in the face at every opportunity.
YCFTN gives Bukkake a break from behind the stumps and gives him the ball for over 5. It was a tidy over of 3 dot balls, a couple of 2’s and plenty of fizz from the splashy one. Next up, YCFTN starts with a wide. Oh dear, surely Bevo’s disease hasn’t rubbed off? No, it wasn’t to be. Bowling against Gaz meant a couple of easy wickets. With Hersch taking over 7, a good line and length didn’t produce the result he was looking for. Knuckles then came in for over 8, an over I’m sure he’d like to forget. Zak’d twice wasn’t a good look, unless of course, you’re chasing a skin, which Kerwin’s Mob were doing and they managed to achieve on the last ball.
At the halfway point, Da Famulee were sinking. The kitty, however, was looking the winner.
With the 3rd batting pair out on the SCG, the order for bowling would be Skip, then Bevo, Herc and Schlangy.
Skip started really well. 7 of his 8 deliveries were spot on the mark, his 8th saw the ball hit for a zak. Bevo must’ve taken some medication for his leg side wide disease, as his over produced a number of dot ball deliveries and a wicket. Herc was on fire with his 2nd over. A run-out, a bowled and a caught had 3 wickets against his name (on the scoresheet that never lies) with Schlangy chipping in with a wicket in his over. Despite all the good work by the chosen bowlers and some excellent efforts in the field, it wasn’t enough to curb their total score.
With just 4 overs remaining and a skin to defend, YCFTN is quietly confident of having a ‘win’, of sorts. With Knuckles leading off with over 13 of the match, he bamboozled both of their batters with plenty of spin and bounce and was rewarded with a wicket. Bukkake came on next with over 14 and suddenly Bevo’s leg side wide disease had returned. It was nearly another cha-ching for the kitty, but more positively, Car Keys picked up 2 wickets, edging him closer to a season milestone of 25 wickets. Hersch has over 15, manages to bowl a batter with a fine delivery and keep their scoring down to a minimum, while YCFTN honourably puts himself up for the 16th over. Uneventful as far as 16th overs go, we do manage to win the skin but not the game.
Now, back to the commentary box…
“Well Bruce, I’ve gotta say, not one of the best efforts from Da Famulee. In fact, in a post game interview, Herc himself mentioned that he’d seen ordinary and this game was just below that.”
“You’re right Dennis, the boys would be disappointed with that, although mediocrity may have been the winner, along with the kitty. Some easy drop catches tonight, although Herschell’s brilliant one-hander late in the innings will certainly be a contender for ‘Catch of the Year’.”
“Even with super slo-mo, as we watch the replay, you can see he was under all sorts of pressure before the ball fell into his right hand and stuck. That was speeeeeeshial.”
“Good on ya Bruce, got your trademark ‘Speeeshial’ in there. Now, as we look at the ladder after the completion of game 12 and with 6 wins and 6 losses, in my mind, you’d think the Famulee are still a good chance to make the finals. I really liked the way some of their form came through and they’ll need that if they’re to be a chance comes finals time, although they’ll need to work on their catching. Players such as Herc and Forrest especially.”
“You’re right Dennis. So, now to the votes, much like the Brownlow Medal only a 3 – 2 – 1 for Tooth points, and 3 Tooth points to Forrest, 2 go to Herschelle and 1 Tooth point to Schlangy, proving that you can again get a Tooth point with a negative net worth.”
“Thanks Bruce. We’d show you the leader board but due to technical difficulties, our onscreen graphics are not working, so, the winner again, Kwerwin’s Mob over Da Famulee by 76 runs at the SCG. Back to the studio…”


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