Only four players confirming their availability, 28 advising of non availability and half dozen continue to ignore requests for communication.
A couple of quick txts were sent early in the morning. By mid moring there was only one reply. Hmmm, do we finally ask for Blardyfarkens help to field a team of devo from Pendos? Yes, yes we would, was either that or have to cough up fees for two teams.
So on the phone to the Blardyfarken establishment....
"oh Juicy Ham only have four."
"Is that who we are playing?"
"Hmm" - Should I ask to call off the game? the phone goes off, another Partridge is available, so that makes 6.
"I see what i can do, i have to try to get players for juicy ham first"
"Give me a call in a couple of hours"
??? "Yeah sure."
Right, now what?
A couple of hours later..... the selectors receive a phone call from Knuckles, "do we need another player, I have one?"
"Is the pope Catholic? Yes that's fantastic."
So now we have 7.
Ring Blardyfarken again, "Look we have enough to play"
"How many do you have?"
"Well we have 7 with one to get back to me, so let's just go with that. We don't need no stinking pool playing pendophile! See you tonight"
4.55pm text received "I can play if needed"
reply, "yes you are"
"see you soon"
--- read gigantic big star * ---
Knuckles "Who's the captain?"
5 heads look to the floor, shuffling of feet and meaningless mumbles can be heard over Pendos Cold Chisel jukebox.
Heading downstairs, cause apparently we are batting, Juicy Ham has turned into Eastern Lights, well I think there were two Juicy Ham players left.
The non selected captain, read Knuckles, and Hersch open the batting. The first two overs are going well when Hersch changes his mind mid shot and bunts a zak. Not to be outdone Knuckles winds up and gets caught. Unfortunately it is all down hill from there. Knuckles running out Hersch, Hersch getting run out because he was holding his ground waiting for his partner who was admiring his zak and a direct hit at the non strikers end with Hersch a couple of feet short of the line. More run outs and caughts brought a great start to a burning crashing, did someone say platform?, to a pitiful end of -1. A fine display of how to make shite bowlers look really farken good!
Keen and Tong** were next in to bat. Tong struggled in the first over to the spinner, charging out of his crease, eyes gazing longingly to the back net, swinging and missing. Whirly birds to get back into his ground, though the keeper did finally manage to read the spin, unlike Tong, and get a stumping. Keen was "caught" off his thigh in the third over and apart from that another platform building partnership of 11.
After a quick indoor criggit rule session with Hersh enter debutante Ben "Starky" Stark, not it is not Sparkles Tong, and the ever soft Jacko who has "retired" cause he hates the stupid game. So do we but we still turnup anyway. These two start carving up bowlers and sending the ball to all parts of the ground where no fielders stand. After 3 overs the partnership score shits at 50. You will never guess what happens next.... Ok may you will, it was another good over with 13 runs coming OFF the score as four wickets fell to leave a partnership of 37.
Mary and Forrest didn't start well and never really got started, with one over reaching double figures, and nb+5 may equal 7 but it is not a Zak! Forrest swung a missed a couple, playing over the top and getting bowled.
So at the end of a platform innings da famulee were on a miserly 56. Surely we couldn't successfully defend that against a bunch of sloggers.
After Keens first over being smashed for 24, things were not looking good. Debutante Starky had a temperate first over for da famulee with the help of Tong took his first wicket for the club and was zakked a couple of balls later. Forrest grabbed a couple of early wickets to restrict them just 6 off the over. Knuckles bowling favourably bagged a couple himself for 2 off the over. First partnership left the ground with 40 under their belt.
Jacko, Hersch and Mary copped a caning in the first 3 overs of the next pair with Tong bowling well in the last to restrict? the second pair to 48. Tong has been bowling exceptionally well this season it must be said.
The third paid started well with Marys 2nd over only going for 3, then the wild swinging by the batsmen began to pay off, for them anyway as Starky, Forrest and Jacko were dispatched to all parts of the ground. Third pair 68, leaving da famulee a 100 run deficit.
Well to cut a long story short, Hersch was unlucky again, read always, not to get a couple of wickets in the first over of the last pair. Tight bowling from Keen, Knuckles and Tong kept the last pairing of sloggers to 29.
final result, us, not much, them, plenty.
Just as well we are not in the finals.
This club is farked.
Knuckles 225 Games
Knuckles 500 Wickets
Probably more but goodness know what they are.
* Conversation may, well probably doesn't, reflect what happened.
** may have actually been Kleenex and Bukkake, but the scoresheet never lies, apparently.