Dateline is Toosdae the 27th of Movember. Game time is 5:30pm. It’s the 3rd game of Season 17, to be known as ‘grading’, ‘ranking’, ‘sorting the mediocre from the contenders’ and ‘well, what the heck, it’s just Blooooodyfarkins way of ensuring he gets our $$$ by any means possible’ game.
So, as the game time approaches, it’s not looking good for Da Famulee in terms of player numbers. With so many unavailable for being ‘cast impaired’, ‘dollar impaired’ and ‘reasons that shall remain confidential’, Pabs quickly appoints Forrest as the Big C, hereby known as YCFTN (Your Captain For The Night).
Our opposition will be the “Modern Gurus”, although, it could also be said as the game unfolded, that our opposition would also be the umpire, a bloke who obviously had little clues when determining run-outs and fell into decisions based upon appeals. Given the “Modern Gurus” were a couple of players short as we commenced, YCFTN was happy to have them bat first. *
*May not have actually been happy but had little choice in the matter by said umpire!
By this stage, we had managed a full side of 8 wife beaters – Forrest as YCFTN, Sticks, Bevo, Boocake, Gaz, Herschelle, Pabs and last minute fill-in, Harsh (pronounced Hersch) if only to add to the confusion of name calling and sledging.
Wanting to adopt Dubyah’s method of selection by utilising “Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Mo” I dispensed with this theory and nominated Bevo, Sticks, Gaz and YCFTN to bowl to their 1st pair. Bevo’s first over wasn’t quite the start YCFTN was looking for with a zac being registered (on the scoresheet that never lies) but Sticks came on and showed how to have some dot balls registered (on the scoresheet that never lies) with Gaz up for the 3rd over. A tidy spell by Gaz saw 3 wickets in succession, including a catch to Bevo (yes, he can take catches when it matters!) and then YCFTN with over number 4. Like Bevo, YCFTN got zacked (damn it!) but did secure a run out, questionable as it was by the umpire. After 4 overs, the “Modern Gurus” were 25 runs.
As their 2nd pair came out, YCFTN gave the shiny new yellow ball to Herschelle. The current Tooth holder didn’t pick up a wicket, but he did a tidy spell with plenty of dot balls recorded (on the scoresheet that never lies) and was followed by Harsh. What a start! First up wicket as the ball went past the bat and the sound of rattling stumps could be heard. Tight bowling by our last minute fill-in didn’t deter the opposition who kept the scoreboard ticking over. Over 7 was from Bukkake, who’s been on fire already in the early stages Season 17, and he didn’t disappoint. 2 more wickets were picked up (on the scoresheet that never lies) and over 8 from Pabs saw more wickets fall to have the “Modern Gurus” reeling on 39 runs. *
*May not have been reeling but just wanted to give the impression that our recent Season 16 Grand Final form hadn’t been lost!
Wanting to cash-in on Harsh’s bowling prowess, YCFTN gave him the ball to begin over 9 against a new batting pair of Clint and Ross, 2 players known for their big hitting. Well, big hitting they couldn’t manage, as Harsh collects a wicket and only 3 runs against his over (on the scoresheet that never lies). Boocake delivers over 10, again with success, followed by Gaz and Sticks, who sadly, allowed the free scoring of runs due to some missed opportunities from run-outs, dropped catches and I think even a parry? Suddenly, the sounds of “Cha-Ching” began to echo from the WACA. After 12 overs, the “Modern Gurus” had a total of 71.
With the last 4 overs to be bowled, YCFTN selects Herschelle, Bevo, Pabs for overs 13, 14 & 15 and dutifully nominates himself for the dreaded last over of the innings. Surely…we could keep them under 100 runs!
As it turns out, Herschelle’s curse of the Tooth rose up sharply with 2 zacs hit off his bowling, Bevo’s 2nd over was better than his first and Pabs bowled without luck. The final over from YCFTN saw some dabbage from their batters (have they been watching our form too closely) and they finish with a total of 112 runs.
We’ve chased 112 runs before, but still managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, so deciding to select batting pairs at random, I offer, “Who wants to bat first?” Well, the silence was deafening, and I took this as to mean, “Do whatever you like.” So I did.
Sticks and YCFTN would lead Da Famulee off and build the platform, especially given their recent partnerships, and despite a shaky start, we manage 34 runs and secure the skin (on the scoresheet that never lies).
Unfortunately for Sticks, he was run-out a couple of times from poor ‘toe-of-the-bat’ shots from YCFTN. No, they weren’t stitch-ups, more a case of wrong place at the wrong time. Sticks still managed a couple of nice shots to the back of the WACA during his innings and even survived a dubious run-out decision from the aforementioned umpire, while YCFTN picked up 2 zacs, his first for Season 17.
Next pair was Pabs and Harsh who survived their first over without the loss of a wicket, although Pabs was testing his luck, as he had obviously selected a bat that produced ‘edge shots only’. The snicks were everywhere and eventually they brought him undone, while Harsh also fell prey to a few outs and suddenly, the scoreboard was broken! They were chasing a skin of 14 runs but alas, it wasn’t to be and finished in the negatives. Again, “Cha-Ching” would be echoed and the kitty is fast looking like the winner. After 8 overs we’d gone backwards with 29 runs (on the scoresheet that never lies).
At the halfway mark, YCFTN still has Bevo, Boocake, Gaz and Herschelle for selection. Given the history of pairing Gaz and Bevo, YCFTN decides against this and appoints Herschelle and Bevo as our third pair and whatever curse the Tooth may have had on Herschelle previously, it wasn’t showing as he zacked his first ball faced! So as to prove it wasn’t a fluke, Hersch zacked another. Yes, 2 zacs from the Rubber Man, a feat even he couldn’t believe. Meanwhile, Bevo dabbed, played for the centre circle and swayed a little but it wasn’t looking good for him. He finished with a negative (Cha-Ching) and Hersch with a positive and overall, another skin went by the wayside. Our total had moved onto 47 runs after 12 overs.
As Gaz and Bukkake went out as our final pair, Sticks said, “We only need about a zillion zacs and we’re back in this!” In theory he was right, but as far as Boocake was concerned, he only needed 1 zac to reach a career milestone of 100 zacs. Hey, if Adam Gilchrist can notch up 100 sixes, surely the Splash Man could do so too! To the cheers of those present in their wife beaters, Boocake did indeed hit a zac, but sadly, it was about the only highlight in the innings as Gaz went out 4 times to finish with a negative batting score (Cha-Ching) and Boocake scoring the runs but not enough for the skin or victory. We finish with 72 runs and a loss by 40 runs.
On reflection, YCFTN was disappointed with the loss, proud of his team’s efforts, but after all, we’re still ‘grading’ our games, aren’t we? I mean, we’ve won only 1 game from 3 so far this season and surely we still make the Finals?
From the scoresheet that never lies…
Herschelle – 28 runs
Bukkake – 27 runs
Forrest – 24 runs
Sticks – 10 runs
Gaz – 4 wickets
Pabs – 3 wickets
Bukkake – 3 wickets
Forrest – 3 wickets