Kincaid Chronicle

Grand Final Edition

(Season 16 Game 31)

It started as most Toosdays start, with a 5.30 game. For something completely different da famulee had 11 players ready to go before the game in the bar. Bevo found some paper and Hersch started wirting names on said piece of paper to be selections for the final Grand Final spot. Into Hersch's hat did said names go.

Whilst namines on paper were being written, a scrungy individual claiming to be an umpire, called for a captain. Mary nominated Hersch who was too busy writing to duck the accusation of being the big C for the night. Hersch reluctantly called heads, and lost the toss to The Chad, who selficiously decided to bat, deny many chickeny duck things the oppurtunity to drinkth of their beers some more. Boo!

Dubyah, making a guest special appearance drew a name out of the hat. The hat that was cheered firstly, as The Chads name was drawn out. Cha Ching! The Chad, for those who are unaware, was captaining the opposition side. Yes, yes that was a fine, duly paid, as a rule invisibly crayon'd in at the end of last weeks game. "That's why Hersch has big biceps" said Mary, "from carrying around the 200 kgs of gold." The said hat was then cursed by some, as Kleenex was drawn out of hat, the hat that is 42. Surely such a hat of a number as this knows the answer to life the universe and everything including team selections? So the GF team was selected, but where was Kleenex? Just as all eyes went to the door way of the bar, Kleenex skulked in. oh so lucky.

So the team was named: Hersch (YGFCFTN), Sticks, Schlang, Knuckles, Bukkake, Forrest, Mary and Kleenex.

Kleenex was thrown the new pill, say wa-wa-what, new pill? Yes it was a new pill, Blardyfarken had been saving up the last 30 games worth of match fees to buy two new pills just for the grand final. Wasn't that nice? Kleenex bowled well, with the batsmen playing deliberate side net shots for easy 2s. YGFCFTN shook his head, this was going to be a very long and boring game of criggit. When oppositions play sensibly it is the death gnell for da famulee, you just can't play that sort of game for fun! Kleenex did manage to snag one wicket however.
Next up was Forrest, who has been having a houndstooth cursed season, bowled superbly as the dabbers continued to dab, but we managed to snare a run out on a third dot. This sent the batting pair into disarray and no THEY didn't know the rules! They got a little shirty and with a stumping the same over meant they only scored 1 off the over it was brain explosion time.
YGFCFTN then threw in Knuckles to let them try an slog the not some much spinning or landing on the pitch, spinner. 1st ball? Rank full nudey toss, straight onto the base of middle stump. Followed by a no ball and another bowled. Who needs to spin when you can hit the stumps!
Finishing off the pair with the Schlang may have been seen as a bit of a gamble since their wheels has fallen off and i suspected that they may go the tonk. Not to disappoint Schlang banged them in, snatching a couple of wickets, as is his want, in a bid to wrestle the highest wicket taker title back from Hersch. Apparently stats are more to do with averages but hey, whilst YGFCFTN is in the lead, i'll take that.
Well Hungarians finished with a measley 8 runs. Not a bad start, however YGFCFTN was not getting a head of himself just yet, knowing that the Wells had a couple of sloggers and at least one cricketer to come.
For some reason, one of the Hungarians got the shits with an umpire call, don't we all, and very sportsman like, kicked over the stumps at the end his batting spell, knob head.

Sticks bowled without luck in another opening over where dabbage was the order of the day. Queen Mary was called up to throw some up some fruit and the Hungarians hits one to the back net for a Zak another over without a wicket, this is more like what we expected. This batting pair on 22 after 2 overs.
Hersch bagged a couple, for a change, that being 1 more than the total number of wickets taken in the previous two knock out finals games combined.
Kleenex was thrown into the mix in the eighth to ensure the designated sloggers of the Hungarians did not take da famulee apart too much. A superb over by the tissue box, totally bambooziling the batsmen into shoddy shots and gleaning a few wickets more. Just what YGFCFTN needed.
So after 2 batting pairs, the Hungarians were, Well, looking a little sheepish on a total of 14 runs, with two pairs to come.

The Chad strode out to the crease and wasted no time displaying the way that he that he was going to play. Not that da famulee didn't know this already, but he came out swinging, just the way he always plays, and not that there is anything wrong with that.
Forrest opened the account with another tight over, putting the Hungarians on the back foot with an over of -6.
Schlang following on from Forrest's double wicket finish to bag himself and get a double hattrick. Well Hungarians losing 7 wickets in just 8 balls! Yes the scoreboard was broken.
Bukkake followed this up with a very tidy over of 1 / -1 with only 2 scoring shots.
Sticks also bowling a very tidy over bagging two wickets for -5. One such wicket was taken by Hersch, which could easily have turned into a parry, but somehow the ball stuck between the palm and one knuckle of his outstretched hand, thrown wildly out in the general direction of the ball.
The Hungarians were sent packing and the scoreboard well and truly broken on a speeshal flashing minus 29 for the partnership.

YGFCFTN opened the bowling for the final pair with Sticks repaying the catching, taking a nice slog off the middle of the bat, destined for the bat net and a rapid rate of nots, swot straight into his hands. Gone-ski. And one very red hand. Thats bowling to your field. Kunckles dive/stumble/face plant into the deck whilst attempting to stop the ball from hitting the side net. Great commitment, that's what we like to see. Note when exactly this happened but there you go. Oh yes there was the bruising i copped from my own bowling, if you can call it that, being smashed back at me whilst still stumbling after my delivery stride. WACK in the chest, noice bruise around my nipple i must say. And again towards the end of the over in the abs. If I could catch i wouldn't have the bruises but then i wouldnt be called Herschelle either. And no i did not get hands to either of them, obviously! The not so Well Hungarians were at this point with a team score of -24. Yes that is right minus twenty four.
The last few overs from Knuckles, Mary and Bukkake were realtivly uneventful in the scheme of things. Knuckles and Mary bagging just one wicket each and Bukkake bowling without luck in the final over.

Well Hungarians, not much to show on their scorecard, nudda, nix, nought, nothing, the big O, f@#$ all, zip.

To open the proceedings, P&P (aka Knuckles and Bang Schlang) were sent in to start the ball rolling and after the first over, funnily enough, we had surpassed the opposition score. "Bring it in, we have seen enough" Surely we couldn't lose it from here, nor did i really want to, so seriously bring it in. After 3 overs the lads were 22 and after losing 3 wickets in the last over finished on a PLATFORM of 14 runs. Bulid it and they shall come. The lads did well, not over reaching and setting too high a target for the following 3 partnerships to destroy.

Decisions, decisions, who to bat with whom. Eeney, Meeney, Miney, Mo. Hmmm.

YGFCFTN and Kleenex went in next and proceeded to carve them up. YGFCFTN knew he needed to build on the platfrom from P&P so that the likes of Bukkake and Mary could start and attempt to ensure out team score stayed about 0. Compiled a very noice 43 runs. By this time the Hungarians were looking to other countries they could invade, since the batting minnows of Hersch and Kleenex could not be brought down by their assult almost all energy drained out of the side heading for a Geelong inspired crushing.

Bukkake and Mary decided to have some fun, encouraged no less by the legions of fans and older chickeny duck things, not seen in the house of Blardyfarken for quite some time, outside the net, "I bet your can't reverse sweep this guy". After three failed attempts and racous calls of howzat for LBW Bukkake gave up. Four Zaks and a couple of wickets say the D.U.D.Es come out with 30. Only 2 of those belonging to Mary. And yes that would make Mary the only one to end up with a negative net worth.

Sticks and Forrest came in to clean up the mess and not to be outdone, Sticks sent the first delivery he faced straight to the back net. Forrest batted his best innings is very long time. The Hungarians had, by this time given up any hope, however the calls of SURELY from outside the net were loud and fierce. Imagine a dozen, hald drunk, and then some specatators and wannabe cricketers trying to calculate how many balls were needed to not be wikets to guarantee victory. a few wickets falling the lads came out with a 53 run partnership.

A mightily splediforous innings, reminisant of the GF win against Hugh Jass. A dead set awesome bowling and fielding display and great bat work to boot. Well, except for Marys 2.

Da Famulee securing it's 3rd/4th? GF title at the House of Blardyfarken by a crushing 140 Runs. Reuben was back on the phone to Mark Williams let him know the good news shortly after hearing of da famulees victory. Mark was apparently gushing with relief and gratitude at having his burden eased by such wonderous news.

Whilst the presentation was being prepared, Hersch went for a jog to collect the pizza's ordered by Reuben for the hungry hordes.

The presentation went like most, lots of blokes stuffing their faces with beer and pizza, not listening to word that was being said. Or was that just me? Somehow The Chad earned himself a bat, with a -10 with the bat, maybe he did need a new one. They thanked us, and cursed us and we very subdued.

Hersch which earned himself a pair of socks, no idea why.
Hersch was also presented with a bat, alledgedly as being the captain of the side. No matter, the snick-ometer was in desperate need of replacing anyway, now being approx half an inch shorter than it was at time of purchase many many eons ago. That's what happens to your bat when you slide it, Rooby Roo. ;) that and the edges have been worn thin, and as Hersch can not find the middle of the bat, it's no bloody good.
Hersch was apparently the player of the Grand Final as well and received another alcohol holding device, of the glass tumbler variety. That must be for the schnapps chaser.
Sadly there were no blue gloves of death this time
YGFCFTN thanked Blardyfarken for his great draw and finals system, allow da famulee to peak at just the right time in the season to call finals. And he forgot to thank the opposition, oops.
Of course we finished off with our theme song.

Geeze, it's all me, me, me round here....

YGFCFTN presented Forrest with the socks for his marvellous 41 net worth in the Grand Final, narrowly beating The Chad's -32 for the Hungarians (which of course translates to +32 for da famulee), ensuring a very partridge victory.

All in all a marvellous end to a mediocre season where previous to the finals campaign we had only won 11 out of 28 games. Somehow after the reallocation and realignment of grades this elevated da famulee from 6th spot in D grade to 3rd in C grade. continuing this line of mathematic ineptitude the Well Hungarians finished on top of the C grade ladder 1 point behind 2nd place. Huh?
"I'm not a smart man Reuben, but i know how to rig a finals draw"
Thanks Tony.

Fielding efforts*:
Hersch 5 catches, 4 bruises and a run out
Bukkake 3 stumpings and a run out
sticks 3 catches
Kleenex 1 run out
Forrest 1 Run Out
Schlang 1 run out off his own bowling
Knuckles 1 catch
Mary 1 Catch

Milestones acheived:
Mary 75 Games
Sticks 525 Wickets
Mary 150 Wickets

Hersch 400 Runs in a season
Kleenex 100 Runs in a season
Knuckles 25 Zaks in a season

Career Milestones this Season:
Bevo 50 Games
500 Runs
25 Zaks
125 Wickets
Bukkake 125 Games
275 Wickets
Forrest 225 Games
150 Zaks
400 Wickets
Herschelle 300 Games
600 Wickets
Kleenex 75 Games
500 Runs
150 Wickets
Knuckles 200 Games
4,000 Runs
275 Zaks
475 Wickets
Mary 75 Games
75 Zaks
150 Wickets
Rooby Roo 25 Games
50 Wickets
Schlang 600 Wickets
Skip 200 wickets
Sticks 225 Games
5,000 Runs
375 Zaks
525 wickets
Texas 25 Zaks
25 Wickets
The Chad 25 Wickets
666 Career Runs. If every you wanted an onem there you have it!

* It was an effort to recall the details and not very well at that.

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